Truly Awful Stuff

Stripper Pole Doll

2009-09-10T06:46:00.000-07:00

In what has to be, must be, a great hoax (for the love of Dog I hope it's a hoax) the title of worst toy ever may be changing hands.

It's Pole Dancer! With light up flashing stage, disco ball and pole.

And in the worst thing ever category... Winkers

2009-08-21T09:32:00.000-07:00

Paris, the epicenter of high fashion? Not anymore. Did Paris give us "Winkers?" I think not.

For some great web design to go with this great concept in fashion visit www.winkersdesign.com and please note, the patent is pending!

2009 Gathering Of The Juggalos Infomercial

2009-07-25T15:26:00.001-07:00

Just kill me now...

Cats Made Of Rabbits

2009-07-06T12:37:00.001-07:00

I was at The Peach Tree which is the best place to stop off of Highway 5 as their vintage lunch box and thermos collection rules.

While perusing their gift shop I spotted some super realistic looking cats, like too realistic looking. "Is this some kind of cat taxidermy?" I thought. I picked one up and saw the quality assurance. This cat was made with 100% real genuine rabbit fur!

Some things are so weird the weirdness can't hit you all at once. I was halfway back to Sacramento when it occurred to me how very bizarre it is to make cats out of rabbits. They're killing a live, real animal and reassembling it's carcass to look like another animal. Amazing. They killed rabbits and made cats out of them.

To make one animal out of another is indeed the height of human ingenuity. Do me a favor though. If you see the flying saucers landing, if the aliens are invading, HIDE THE CATS MADE OF RABBITS! If an advanced civilization is assessing our value and potential I think it will be tough to explain Auschwitz, Hiroshima and the Trail of Tears but I think they will understand tribalism and warfare. I'm pretty sure cats made of rabbits will label us suitable only for soup-stock.

Joe The Plumber, STILL

2009-01-12T06:51:00.001-08:00

"Media shouldn't report on war" reports Joe the Plumber, media correspondent, covering...um, the war. It seems a conservative website as desperate for our attention as Joe is teamed up with the genius plumber who complained because Barack Obama wanted to save him money. They've turned him into Joe The Reporter.

Worst extension of undeserved 15 minutes of fame ever.

Merry Twisted Christmas

2008-12-25T13:39:00.000-08:00

Truly, truly, truly AWFUL

And if that wasn't bad enough, try getting through this one...

Hookers, A Great Gift Idea

2008-10-27T16:28:00.001-07:00

Seeing the front of this pack of Hookers you might think, "Alright Keith, you are soooo immature, they are just hooks for carrying your skis. Grow up already."
And I could hear you saying that (you condescending bastard) but I AM immature and so could not resist taking a better look whilst giggling to myself "Tee hee, hookers, tee hee, it says hookers."

Take a peek at the BACK Side of this nice little package and then tell me that someone, somewhere along the line did not know damn well what they were doing!!!

MAKE IT EASY WITH HOOKERS!
And there's one sexy little ski bunny, who probably had no idea that she was filling that sweater in order to appear along side such text. "A Great Gift Idea" indeed. "TEE HEE" INDEED!!!

Now then, please go back and reread this post so you can giggle at me telling you to look at the backside of the Hookers. Teee heee. I even made reference to the Hookers' nice package! BWA HA HA HA! Okay, so maybe I am a bit immature, just a bit. Hookers!

The Worst Toy Ever?

2008-10-24T18:27:00.000-07:00

Before you read any further, click the above graphic and read this amazing ad.
You're back? WOW! Wild eh? And yes, it is real. "Don't worry, this is New York. Nobody will help her." Great stuff.

What kid wouldn't want his own little torture chamber? There were eight "Monster Scenes" sets including one titled "The Pain Parlor." The most shocking and most important is of course, "The Victim"
What can you say about a company that sells to kids with a tag line like "Rated X... for Exitement?"
So how the hell did Aurora get away with this one? Well, they didn't; not for long...

"Massive protests against the kits came from religious publications and general newspapers, since they all thought that it promoted sex and sadism among children. All the negative publicity led to an immediate stop of production for these kits in May 1971, by the company which now had new owners: Nabisco Inc.
The kits remaining on the toy store shelves led to new protests in November, this time outside Nabisco's headquarters in New York. These protests held by groups as: Parents for Responsibility in the Toy Industry, and National Organization for Women, resulted in a recall of the Monster Scenes kits from store shelves in the U.S."

Thank you to our pals at Retrocrush.com for this. Be sure to check out all their great Halloween posts.

Ed Harris Sings

2008-10-18T23:14:00.000-07:00

The new Ed Harris directed Apaloosa misses. It isn't a truly awful movie its just not very good. But the song he wrote and recorded for the movie, my god, is it a hilariously bad stinker.
"Acting so darn loose, screwing who you want to, and beleiving your excuse...
but when the day does come when you and I depart, you'll be the one whose leaving 'cause you'll never leave my heart."
Wow. He should try professional wrestling next.

Bacon Is a Vegetable

2008-10-17T08:51:00.000-07:00

I'm the only vegetarian in my workplace. As a result I'm offered hamburgers or fried chicken daily. Friends, I can assure you, on behalf of a all vegetarians everywhere; keep it up. That joke NEVER gets old. We may not laugh, not wanting to give you the satisfaction, but we're crackin' up on the inside, for real.

I came in the other day to find this sticker affixed to my desk. Okay, I will confess, this is funny. Especially with the smiling pig head for an O. A quick google search determined that this came from www.dieselsweeties.com and is available in a t-shirt. I may have to buy that t-shirt. Or, I may have to pretend it offends me so that some jerk buys it for me. Thanks jerks. :)

Armor of God PJs

2008-10-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

I don't know what more I could say about these beautiful little crusaders?
I hope our lovely readers don't mind all the religious stuff lately, but with this election going on and Bill Maher's Religulous in theaters and wonderful things like the Armor Of God PJs out there how can we help ourselves?

Jihad This

2008-09-30T12:54:00.000-07:00

My goodness, has it really been since April 1st that we posted? Damn, Brett really sucks.

We have to come back with something really strong of course which is why I was so glad when Heckasac posted this little number.

It says so much so simply. It is America summed up in one image and two words and stuck on a button. I love it.

I found it for sale at RepublicanMarket.com (of course I did) and I had no choice but to immediately order a gross.

Ah Holy War, aint it a kick in the pants? The first eagle's I saw after 9-11 were all shedding the singly glossy tear. Now they're done crying and they aint gonna take no more shit!

This lovely product reminds me of my childhood, when I could actually win a "Kill a Commie for your Mommy" painted mirror at the county fair, or at least most kids could. I was terrible at ALL fair games, even the easy ones with the shitty prizes that were put there to keep hope alive.

Another item that comes to mind is the great "Ayatollah is an Assahola" bumper stickers. My father, pinko liberal that he is, once asked our neighborhood Ice Cream man to reconsider whether that sticker really belonged on an ice cream truck next to the add for Push Up Pops.

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Vitamin P

2008-04-01T11:15:00.000-07:00

Like all good children's entertainers I am a chronic insomniac, so much of my nights are spent knitting, reenacting the civil war and of course watching lots of late night infomercials.

One of my favorites is late night heath quack Dr. Syd. The good doctor has given us some real gems such as super green algae tooth paste and Scrub-O's the colon cleansing cereal. My little friend in the box is peddling a new health aid, vitamin P.

As Americans we have gotten so far from the land that we are forced to supplement the vitamin content of our food, pack ourselves in to gyms to simulate the labor we no longer do, we even buy light bulbs to replace the sunlight that we don't get enough of. So is it really a stretch to say we aren't getting enough bacteria in our diets? What better bacteria could there be than that found in the guts of those super digesters the New Guinea shrew. The New Guinea shrew will eat their body weight every day and yet never get fat. Amazing! You can drop pounds while watching Dr. Syd's infomercials from the comfort of your couch by simply ingesting shrew droppings. A better you with the power of poo!

Larry The Cable Guy Chocolates

2008-02-14T13:22:00.000-08:00

Well Valentines is upon us and that can only mean one thing......

Yes you guessed it cheap waxy chocolates in a heart shaped box bearing the face of Americas favorite one joke comedian.
To me the tag line "Git-R-Done" in the context of Valentines conjures images of trailer park sex where phrases like "Daddy's home" and "pass the Cheetos, this gonna take a spell" serve as pillow talk and foreplay consists of unscrewing the Vaseline.

My little Valentine made a special trip to Walmart to ensure that we at Truly Awful could send you all a special Valentines greeting .

thank you Christy ....

I love you

and yes there is petroleum jelly in your future.

Pee & Poo Plush Toys

2008-02-11T14:07:00.000-08:00

FINALLY!!!!!
Kids love plush toys and they love pee and poo..... like chocolate and peanut butter these two things where just destined to wind up in the same box (Oh shut it! You know what I mean.)
But it is so much more then just stuffed toys. The Pee & Poo line includes T-shirts, socks, key chains and of course underwear.
Hey folks Valentines day is coming and everyone knows red hearts are so passe. Why not let your sweetie know how you feel with a love poem scribbled under a stinky rainbow .
Do not believe for even one second that I think of Pee & Poo as awful! I adore them and you can rest assured that if I have anything to say about it all of my nieces and nephews will drift off to dream land with finger paint stained digits clasped firmly around the fuzzy waste product of their choice.

Explore the world of Pee and Poo for yourself and send a Pee and Poo e-card by visiting: www.peeandpoo.com

Raw Female

2008-02-06T10:11:00.000-08:00

Robert Berry at Retrocrush.com found some Raw Female. Anyone have any good recipes! I've no idea how to cook this stuff. The Natural Foods Co-op where this chick is being sold also carries intelligence, patience, arousal, all in convenient pill form. Sheesh. Try a little skepticism ya new age freaks.

Cheeseburger In A Can

2008-02-02T08:50:00.000-08:00

I found this via Liv Moe's blog. It is now my mission in life to have Brett eat one. The product is available from this German site and is apparently marketed for campers. Why do I get the feeling it doesn't come out of the can looking like the picture? Anybody speak German? I've got to find the contact information and get one sent to a certain garden gnome in Los Angeles.

Two Ginger Bread Girls, One Cup...

2007-12-17T13:39:00.000-08:00

and one happy gingerbread man.

Thanks to K.M. Meenie for bringing this to our attention. Apparently Nik from Kill Everything was doing a bit of Christmas shopping when he spotted this little gem.

The more you look at it the more wrong it is. There was no price tag but Nik knows a good thing when he sees one and so he made for the register with his treasure ready to pay any price.

The cashier, no doubt full of holiday cheer, and those of you who've worked retail during the holidays know what a cheery thing that is with the pushy customers and Hall and Oats' version of Jingle Bell Rock blastin' all day, ack, gives me flashbacks just thinking about, anyway this cashier grabs two similar items and goes with the lowest price, Fifty Cents! My God! It's like scoring the Mona Lisa for a nickel.

One ginger stud enjoys a bit of erotic food play with a couple of hot ginger chicas and he's might happy about it. Look at how damn happy he is about it. That is one happy, gingerbread man.

Of course, this might be three ladies. Once a ginger person is naked they're pretty androgynous, unless my cousin Thomas the pervert is baking them but I don't think they let him bake where he is.

This looks like a mass produced item, and I gotta tell you, I want one. If anyone out there can find us one for our collection it will be a Merry Christmas indeed.

Court Case Aerosol Spray

2007-12-12T21:38:00.000-08:00

Johny law got ya down?

Were you arrested for crossing state lines in a stolen car with 14 pounds of marijuana and an unlicensed hand gun.....

I know it may seem hopeless my friend but there is an answer.

Farmacia Million Dollar's staff of "aerosol espiritual" experts have put the scent back in innocent. One whiff and the judge will say "that smells like a free man."

I found this little gem a few weeks back in a downtown Los Angeles farmacia. Our beloved court case spray was nestled in with uneven rows of aerosols claiming to do everything from remove curses to make your man submit to you.

Sorry Keith I know you go on trial next week for pressing your butt checks to the tinted windows of a gubernatorial motorcade but the USPS forbids sending aerosol cans through the mail so you will have to try and to get by on your charm and good looks.

In other words; I'll come see you in jail.

Dirty Words Only

2007-11-28T10:08:00.000-08:00

Who could even attempt to argue with me when I say that NWA is one of the best hip hop acts of all time? I mean, hell, we got EZ-E, Dre and Ice Cube all from this one band.
So, what I present now will be truly awful to some, but it's truly wonderful to me, and quite hilarious as well.

Some fine fellow took the now legendary Straight Outta Compton and edited out everything but the words that would earn it it's "Explicit Content" label.

If you're an immature simp like I am you will delight in hearing the amazing string of obscenities without any of those pesky polite words getting in your way.

Click here to enjoy it for yourself.

And do check back soon. Coming up: Boiled Peanuts, 5o Year Old Biscuits and some Aerosol madness.

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Worst Halloween Costumes from RetroCrush.com

2007-10-31T10:15:00.000-07:00

Our buddy Robert at Retrocrush has up a great collection of awful costumes of the sort the less fortunate kids had to wear when I was growing up in the 70s.

I've picked my three favorites here, but there're plenty more worth checking out at RetroCrush.com

First up, The Leather Man from the Village People. I was so innocent when The Village People first appeared. It never once occurred to me that they were gay. What could possibly be gay about cops and sailors and cowboys and Indians and construction guys and... um... leather men?

I can't imagine any kid wanting to be Tattoo from Fantasy Island. Of course, I can't imagine Tattoo wearing a tux with his own picture on it either. How bad is a costume when it needs to announce in print what it is?

For the record my mom made us great costumes from scratch and would never send us out in one of these plastic jobbies. She seemed to view it as child abuse to let a kid be seen in one of these. If only we'd known they'd someday be collector's items.
My favorite costumes made for me by mom: Ghostbuster (not Sexy Ghostbuster, just Ghostbuster) Cowardly Lion (won some contests with that one) and my favorite- DEVO (my mom didn't realize that once I got to school I would use Vaseline to make my hair look plastic. Getting Vaseline out of long 70's hair = no fun.)

The Asteroids costume just begged for abuse, after all, what is the object of the video game? Shoot the asteroids. And in my neighborhood rubber band guns were ALMOST as popular as video games. Come to think of it, BB guns were fairly common as well.

These cheap plastic costumes seem to have disappeared in this country. I wonder if you can still find 'em anywhere? I'd love to be myself some Halloween, with a plastic mask of me and a plastic costume with my own face and name printed on it.

Happy Halloween everyone. And thanks RetroCrush for continuing to be such a great source of awfulness from the past.

PB&J M.R.E.

2007-10-26T12:06:00.000-07:00

Often as I am walking down the street with my girlfriend I am met with looks that say "how did this happen..... How did an unwashed little troll land such a gorgeous creature?"

It has been said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I find the afore mentioned path in women leads in to their pants.
Christy has yet to notice the vast disparity in our physical appearance because she is so distracted by the treats I arrange on her plate, today's lunch for expample; a seitan "meat" loaf sandwich on toasted handmade whole wheat bread with pan fried artichokes cooked in garlic infused olive oil and a baby kiwi salad. That's what she is eating, I however am eating a 7 year old peanut butter and jelly pocket.
A few weeks back Keith gifted me a M.R.E. (military issue Meal Ready To Eat) and I have to admit I was pleased that I would not have to find shelf space for this latest installment of awful. The simpatico of being handed some crap and actually processing it into crap really appealed to me, but now faced with actually eating the thing I have to admit I am a bit horrified.

Round 1
Ergo Drink; Fruit Punch Flavor

I love that it is "intended to improve endurance" . Way to set the bar low.

This wasn't bad, kinda tasted like fruit punch, but honestly how hard do you have to work to blow powdered sugar water.

Round 2
Fortified Cran-Raspberry Hooah Bar

This seemed to be the most sinister of the food items. While I have never eaten a peanut butter and jelly pocket before, I am pretty clear on what it is. What the hell is a hooah?

To me it sounds like a childish reference to female genitalia and adding the word fortified evokes images of mid evil chastity devices. Toss hybridized fruit in to the mix and press it in to bar form... well you can see why I was concerned. Truth is it was actually pretty good. It was a bit work to chew the leathery mass of fruit but thankfully I had my Ergo Drink intending to help me persist.

Round 3
Peanut Butter & Jelly Pocket

Printed on the label are the words "June 2000". This scares the hell out of me. Is this the date it was made or the date it expired?

This thing was made or went bad when I was in my 20's. I decide to let Syd check it out and as soon as he gets near it he tears a chunk out of the side and begins devouring it ravenously. This makes me feel a bit better until I consider that you don't get to be a 23 pound cat by being a picky eater and that my 7 year old sandwich was now covered in cat drool.

Let me state for the record that is about the worst thing I have ever eaten. The peanut butter was dry and chalky and the jelly had retreated in to the bread giving it the texture of a freshly used kleenex.

mmmmmm............ just like mom used to make, if she hated you

Round 4
Shortbread Cookie

I have an affinity for short bread cookies and its not the fancy ones I like either. So you can only imagine my delight as I wrestled one of my favorite gas station treats form the drab brown wrapper.

Tragically the years had been hard on these poor cookies and nearly a decade of standing ready to assist in the defense of our nation had reduced them to dust.

Nothing a little American ingenuity wouldn't fix

God Bless America!

Sexy Freddy

2007-10-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

The Onion has a great graphic of The Top Halloween Costumes for women 18-34. Sexy French Maid, Sexy Cat, etc. Funny stuff and so spot on. When I saw the ad for a sexy Freddy costume I realized that real life is even more ridiculous than The Onion's parody. My god, it had to be a joke, right?

Nope. Further investigation revealed it to be true. As if anyone needed or wanted a sexed up Freddy. What's next, Sexy Garden Slug? This is NOT a case of two great tastes that taste great together.

I was messed up plenty by having to come to terms with Sexy Bugs Bunny when I was a kid. Yeah, that rabbit could be quite alluring in drag. What will happen to today's impressionable young minds when they have to confront a sexually appealing Freddy Krueger?

I immediately went about searching buycostumes.com to see what other ridiculousness I'd find there. (Yeah, I always have good "research" excuses when I'm looking at busty women in skimpy outfits online.)

I found sexy versions of children's fairy tails, sexy Indians (always modeled by Caucasian ladies) and sexy cop complimented by sexy corrupt cop. It's like the Onion gag was used as inspiration.

Now the only thing I want cruelly thrust into my already bizarre sexual ID less than Freddy Krueger is perhaps Bill Murray. But, there it is. The sexy Ghost Buster: NOOOOOO! Make it stop! And why is Nicole Richey modeling for a costume website? Has the pregnancy lowered her marketability that much?

Of course, the silver lining to this acid rain cloud is the fact that I can buy one of these little outfits for Brett and make him wear it.

Ah Halloween, you shall remain my favorite holiday after all.

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Osama-rama

2007-10-17T12:54:00.000-07:00

What? And you thought that we Americans, with our Ayatollah is an Ass-a-hola t-shirts, our "Fuck Justice, I want Revenge" bumper stickers and our patriotic doggy chew toys, had a monopoly on this kind of tackiness. No way.

This first small lighter with Osama's image in raised chrome and a little diagram of the impending attack gets even better (or worse) when you open the lid. Yes, the red spot marking the planes contact point with the building lights up. At this point you've got some seriously world class awful, but we're not done yet. The thing plays a loud, electronic loop of Mozart! Read more about it here.

Of course, we need a coffee table version of the Osama lighter. What stylish hideout would be complete with out this? You would expect that the buildings would burst into flames to light your cigar, but no, Osama's head actually catches on fire leading me to wonder just who the target audience is for this one. Read more about it here.

Now of course, lighters are not the only item catering to the Osama as hero market. In fact he's been given an honor that I've previously seen bestowed upon Santa Clause and James Brown. Yes, he has his own singing and dancing Osama doll.
I would do most anything to know the lyrics to the song it sings.

The next time China complains about our friendliness with the Dalai Lama we should ask about this little gem which was made in China, presumably in a state run factory. But they also make a singing, dancing American bomb squad hero doll so it all balances out yeah?

Truly Awful Google Searches

2007-10-16T13:47:00.000-07:00

The following are terms that, when googled, have landed people at our page...

monkey bar sex position (I like Monkeys. I like sex. This sounds win/win)
Why Mommy Is a Democrat
every sex position in the world (Every position?! Even Monkey Bar?)
clock penis ( we're #1 for Clock Penis)
sex position course (higher learning at it's highest?)
Sexual Positions pictures
sexual positions the game (beats pictionary hands down (and legs up, knees bent, wrists just so, back arched this way))
wishing well store (I doubt the store is very happy that we come up on the 1st Page)
wishing well stores, Sacramento (even further up on 1st page)
Testicals In Mouth (I was most surprised to discover that we’re number THREE for testicals in mouth!!)

Update October 17, 2007
awful hygiene India
awful sex gifts (Awful sex is the gift that keeps on giving)
penis clock (#2)
clock with penis hands (I should really see about going into the penis clock business)
sex position- dragon turn (Not in the book)

Update October 18, 2007
penis+alarm clock (Every day, some variation)
missionary sex position pictures (I hope they found what they were looking for on this here educational site)
testical toys (Wow, we're on the first page!)
sex position pyramid (We're #1 for Sex Position Pyramid!)
fried bull testicals (We're #1 for Fried Bull Testicals!)

Update October 22, 2007
sexual positions for older folks (I picture a cute old couple searching together on date night (much more fun than prune night). I sure hope they didn't attempt the pyramid)
putting testicals in ass (We're number one AND number two on this one. Um, I guess I'm proud)

Update October 23, 2007
kids cocktails (This may frighten me more than any other search)
sexy ghostbuster costume
sexy freddy costume (so glad we could be of service)
missionary versus rear entry position (in the battle of the century)
awful sex (that's my favorite kind too)
easy sexual positions (talk about lazy)

Update October 25, 2007
the awful penis (from a foreign language google site, foreign to me I mean)
pictures rabbit +testicals (actually a Yahoo search this time, I do hope they found what they found what they were needing)

Update October 26, 2007
buildings with sex position statues (I don't know either)
sex positions for shy people (This may be the custest of all the searches)
how to fuck up your testicals (I hope we were able to help)
sex positions on a bus (aka sex position for not shy people)
fellatio around the world (YAY)

Update October 27, 2007
testicals I heart you photo (???)
dog toy penis (don't encourage your dog to view that shape as good for chewing)
sex positions with people (yeah, I guess that is a good qualification)
unicorn sex position (YES!!!!)

Update November 2, 2007
peanut butter and testicals (we're #2, #1 is connectingsingles.com, what do you like on your toast?)
hillary Clinton Pezz Dispensor (you've got your testical in peanut butter, you've got your peanut butter on my testical... mmmmmm!)
space monkey sex position dolls (that just rules)
rope and teticals (So now it's this list of searches that's turning up in strange searches)
monkey statue penis (today is all about random combinations of words)
colonoscopy erotic (I've had one and erotic it was not)
dog scarf (not so strange but fun to say, dog scarf, yeah, I like that, I think I'll name my first kid that, Dog Scarf Jensen)

Clown Beer Club Sign

2007-10-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

Behold I give you the holy grail......

I recently moved from Hollywood to downtown LA, which you may or might know is the epicenter of crap for North America. One block from my new home is the historic Toy District where from cramped booths merchants peddle everything from truck mud flaps to religious themed figurines. No lie I bought a wallet made from "genuine Indian leather"(just think about it for a second.)

There is no shortage of real gems in the Toy District however I do believe I have found the apex of awful in the Beer Club neon clown sign. What in the high holy hell kind of club would you find this sign hanging in? Clown bar? A Pub catering to alcoholic 7 year olds?

I looked at the clown longer, and when I started to feel like he was flirting with me I decided it was time to go home. I mean, if he still feels the same later, when he's sober, we can talk.

So is this beauty going to be hanging in the Jensen rumpus room?....

I would have normally, sadly thought No. With it's price tag of $190 it is a bit out of my usual range, however it does occur to me that Mr. Jensen and his lovely (and evil) girlfriend Bryna have a wedding coming up. Such an occasion does require something special. Hmmmm?

Deep Fried Bull Balls

2007-09-13T10:11:00.000-07:00

Roughly half way between Sacramento and Los Angeles is a place I and many others refer to as "Cowshawitz".

From the eastern side of the freeway stretches out an expanse of dark brush free earth, steal fences and thousands of head of cattle. The sight of these animals is enough to make even the most avid of meat eaters consider a salad for lunch.

The most striking thing about this stretch of the I-5 freeway is the smell. If you have traveled this sprawling interstate more then once you learn to roll up your windows and close your vents long before you reach Coalinga (the home of Cowshawitz).

Nestled in to the cloud of bovine fecal dust is the Harris Ranch Steak House, and where Keith and Bryna decided to stop on there most recent trip to the southland. Do they pick me up a fine cut of beef? Why no; They bring me a plastic container filled with deep fried bull testicals artfully laid out on a bed of lettuce.

For the record I had never envisioned putting testicals in my mouth for any reason other then ensuring my safety in lock up but in my mouth they went.
What do deep fried bull balls, aka Prarie Oysters, taste like? Well they taste like pretty much anything you deep fry.

Would I have them again? No not because eating genitals is disgusting but rather because to this day my girlfriend has a hard time kissing me.

Hands Bikini

2007-08-21T09:17:00.000-07:00

Christy Lynn sends this bit o' awful. Christy writes: "Not sure if this qualifies as Truly Awful, but it is scary!"
Um, how can you possible doubt the truly awfulness of this? In fact, with this on the site we should go register the URL www.trulytrulytrulyawfulstuff.com. Thanks.

Hit me baby one more time

2007-08-16T08:24:00.000-07:00

Click image to enlarge
"Hit me baby one more time." sings the tinny voice out of the far too small speaker as the boxing glove clad hands piston in and out followed by the almost but not quite rhythmic side to side movement of the head.

"HIT ME baby one more time!" What a
great jingle for domestic violence I think to myself and contemplate taking the plush green frog up on her offer.

This is by far the most insidious of all the gifts given to me by Keith not simply because it is so horrid but because it is also irresistible. Everyone who walks past it can not resist bringing this fuzzy green monstrosity to life.

Dog Scarf

2007-08-02T14:35:00.001-07:00

click pic to enlarge
Another submission from one of you lovely people. We live to feature your awful. Thanks. And note, a dog in a scarf alone wouldn't qualify, but the loops around the front legs make this truly awful.

"LOVE LOVE LOVE your site. I think you could do a photo shoot in my house and have material for a year, for I too am a connoisseur of the awful, the horrid, the unexplainably atrocious, and I have a neon multi-colored nightgown Ala Mrs. Roper to prove it!

Today however, I leave you this little tid-bit I found while perusing the handmade art and crafts site known as Etsy.com. While many artists produce some stunning works, others well, have some strange ideas about what should exist, in crochet, no less.
Attached is evidence of canine abuse, so look only if you've a heart of stone. No animal should have to suffer this way. His stoic expression is merely a facade for his deep shame and mortification.

Cheers! And keep up the awesome work on the site, I luurves it!

Jenna-Talia on your myspace"

Unicorn Magic

2007-07-10T13:04:00.000-07:00

It's a clock! It's a mirror! It's a psychedelic unicorn light show, and you know that's groovey baby. Brett presented this to me on my most recent visit to LA. We had it plugged in and hanging in the tree durring our bbq. The same bbq where Brett ate deep fried, bbq'd bull testicals. That story is coming soon.
Here you see the beautiful unicorn clock posed along side the Anatomically Correct Pegacorn Clock, another of Brett's wonderful gifts.
Notice this awesome unicorn image is repeated FIVE TIMES on this one clock. Also note the entire surface is one smooth piece of glass. This baby was just made for snortin' big ol' lines off of before heading to the neighbors hot tubbin' key party.
Here's the worst youtube video ever. Enjoy.

Happy Fourth Of July

2007-07-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

Plenty of fun items for celebrating your fervent patriotism. First up are these enemies of America doggie chew ties. Let Fido do what our leaders and soldiers cannot.

This conservative blog where I found them doesn't necessarily think these are awful and he gives the largest amount of space to the greatest enemy of America, Hillary Clinton! good stuff.

For the more liberal amongst us we can celebrate the modern face of America, happily, with this PATRIOTIC PIÑATA. The best thing about it is that it was most likely made in Taiwan. You can purchase it through the "Oriental Trading Company."

And lastly, a big eyed kid statue. I love me a big eyed kid statue. Look at the cute li'l guy. He can't wait to pass some bullets through a cute li'l Iraqi (or Korean, or Iranian, or, ah never mind, I'll be here all day.)

Happy fourth everybody.

A Kid's Eye View of O'Reily For Kids

2007-06-27T23:29:00.000-07:00

Click here to read our original post about the awful idea that is an O'Reilly Book for kids.
Now watch the video to hear an actual kid who has read the book use it to make O'Reilly look quite the fool on his own show.

Click here for our post on the Awful book Why Mommy Is A Democrat.

Awful Wedding Picture

2007-06-08T08:55:00.000-07:00

Click pics to enlarge
You're probably looking at this couple of happy newlyweds to be (June 30th, congrats guys) and thinking, "Ah, they don't look so awful."

Of course, you haven't had to drive a drunk off her ass Sue home, being yelled at and assaulted for such misdeeds as stopping at a red light, or refusing to go the wrong way down a one way street.

And you've probably never had Ted try to sell you a crappy old Apple IIe. "Oh Keith, it's a sweet machine man. It's got a floppy drive dude and Oregon Trails. Hell, since we're friends I'll even throw in the cassete tape drive and some bitchin' tapes I made with my band back in High School. Killer shit man."

But mostly, you don't realize how lame this picture of Sue and Ted is because you haven't yet compared it to the coolest wedding picture ever. And Sue knows, she KNOWS that they're not living up to their potental, as it was Sue herself that sent me the Confederate Wedding Picture showing me just how beautiful matrimony is really meant to be:

Ropeless Rope?

2007-06-05T10:46:00.000-07:00

This is amazing. People will buy anything. I couldn't possibly do this thing justice. You must see it for yourself at JumpSnap.com.

The video is priceless. I love that it's a space saving device. What jump rope takes up more space than these goofy handles with the twirly bits and "onboard computer?" But even better is that they're getting $60 for these things! That's $30 per handle!

Any investors out there want to help me market my bikeless bike? It comes with two pedals that you strap to your feet, and two handlebar grips that you hold while lying on your back and pedaling your Bikeless Bike©. It's very versatile. Hold the handles in any position, cruiser, ten speed, recumbent, it's like having a whole fleet of bicycles in one.

I'm sure I can sell a gross of my Bikeless Bikes© to this guy:

Thanks to Patrick who found this linked from www.reddit.com.

My $%#@ing Cat

2007-05-30T12:57:00.000-07:00

As a child I was rotten and I foolishly believed I could escape the "some day you will end up with a kid just like you" maternal hex by simply not breeding.

Little did I know that the Mom juju was powerful enough to over come the slight technicality of my not having children. I speak of course of my ever-loving cat, Killwhitey.

Her hobbies include such things as jumping from second story windows, playing rousing games of tarantula ball and my personal favorite taunting the nine foot python, a game I like to call playing snake food.

I have had to pull her both from the awning above my apartment and the telephone wires above my roof.

In short this animal is slowly graying my hair and ulcerating my stomach much like I did to my poor mother all those years ago.

Keith has taken pity on me and ceased the early morning phone calls he once took such joy in. Whitey, sharing with Keith some need to stop me from ever sleeping past sunrise opted to get me out of bed this morning by filling my stove with dirt by smashing a potted plant on it. Kinda her way of saying "Get up Dad it's 6 am and time to play".

Bless her little black heart

Truly Awful Stuff Field Trip

2007-05-11T07:56:00.000-07:00

I had a great time looking at DeAnn and Lurch's wild collection of stuff, a collection that has totally taken over their house. I decided to divide this up in to two film clips mostly because I'm too busy (No realy, busy, not lazy. Hey screw you!)
Enjoy, and be sure to visit these crazy kids at their site, Shiny-Object.com

Truly Awful One-Upsmanship

2007-05-10T10:59:00.000-07:00

Stardate: 5.9.2007

12:46pm (que spacey music here) - I glide majestically about the ruddy streets of Hollywood on my brand new battery powered electric scooter. Dangling from my right ear whine the melodic tones of Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, pumping out of my 60gb video iPod. Crammed into my left ear is a state of the art Samsung Bluetooth wireless headset connected to Palm's latest flagship pda, the Treo 700p, which I purchased because the previous pda proved to be incompatible with my new dual core desktop PC. In short, my e-penis is huge.

I stop to wirelessly read Keith's latest offering on the Blog, with Macho Man Randy Savage staring back at me from the hi-resolution screen, I give Keith a call.

Keith: "Hello?"
Brett: "Okay, I've graduated from Nerd to Super Nerd."
Keith: "Oh yeah? Do you have a Blog called 'SeaMonkeyGeek.com' sponsored by Sea Monkeys?"

E-penis shrivels. You bastard.

Be A Man, A Macho Man

2007-05-06T08:46:00.000-07:00

In 2003 Macho Man Randy Savage, wrestler and Slim Jim spokes model decided to add Rapper to his resume.

The results are, from a musical perspective so awful, just really, incredibly, mind blowingly awful, but like all the best examples of awful there's a brilliance at work here. The character he has created is intact throughout the album, so much so that I have to wonder how much of it is just this guy being himself.

The second Macho Man comes on and in his trade mark grumble informs the listener that "Now I'm spittin' Lyrics" you'll be rolling.

He introduces the concept of Rock and Roll being combined with hip hop as it if it were brand new, as if it wasn't already stale and cheezy when Kid Rock wrote "I take the hip hop, and mix it with the punk rock" in 1998 which was already 12 years after Run DMC and Aerosmith's "Walk This Way."

"Oh Yeah, I like that. A little Rock and Rooolllllll with a little hip-hop, oh yeah." Funny stuff, but again, totally in character, and speaking of Oh Yeah, has anyone else noticed that this guy is a total Kool-Aid Man rip off?

The highlight for me comes when we reach the sentimental track, a must for every hip hop album right? The music goes all R. Kelly as The Macho (and really quite sensitive) Man sings a loving, dare I say almost romantic tribute to his fallen comrade, cocaine casualty Mr. Perfect.

Also amazing is that DJ Kool does a guest spot. Well, DJ Kool hasn't had much work this decade, I guess it's not that surprising that he'd accept pretty much any gig offered. Having givin' us one of the all time great hip hop anthems (1996's Let Me Clear My Throat) though, I hope he chuckled all the way to the bank at the thought of guesting on Macho Man's rap album.
Of course this is far from the first time a professional wrestler has ventured into a recording studio. 1985's The Wrestling Album has some great tracks. Macho Man, while featured, was not given a track of his own; A travesty that his momentous talent should have been overlooked. Click Here for free mp3 downloads from The Wrestling Album.

And none of Macho Man's tracks come anywhere even close to being the worst song by a celebrity turned rap act. That dubious distinction goes to The Chicago Bears whose seven minute monstrosity The Superbowl Shuffle helped make 1985 a benchmark year for awful music. (The runner up would have to be 1987's City of Crime, with Dan Ackroyd and Tom Hanks rapping to promote their terrible Dragnet movie.)

Now, I got to get this thing ready to go out with the morning mail. I want this beauty in Brett's CD player as soon as possible. I'll leave you with a sample of the amazing lyrics, the ones that Macho Man spits:

Huh Hulk Hogan, Hollywood Hulkster
whatever they call you, I'm coming after you, you coward

[VERSE I]
Hot diggity damn Hulk I'm glad you set it off (set if off)
Used to be hard Hulk now ya done turned soft
Doin' telephone commercials I seen ya
Dancin' in tights as a ballerina
I knew all along you had those tendencies
Cuz you've been runnin' from Macho like I got a disease
Dude please your pay per view event was a joke
You're avoidin' Randy Savage cuz you know you'll get smoked
Come on that phony fight the Rock spanked you fast
But when I challenged Hogan to a real fight he passed
I called him out but the punk was scared to go
It was a charity event but the Hulk didn't show
Hollywood Hulkster you're at the end of your rope
And I'm a kick ya in the butt and wash your mouth out with soap
Cuz like Rodney Dangerfield you gets' no respect
So come on Hulk let's wreck so I can put you in check

[CHORUS]
Be a man Hulk Come on don't be scared
Your runnin' from Macho that's what I heard

Be a man Hogan Come on don't be a chump
I never thought Hulk would go out like a punk

Be a man Hulk Come on don't be scared
You're runnin' from Macho that's what I heard

Be a man Hogan Boy you's a chump
Cuz Hulk Hogan is a real big punk

[VERSE II]
They call you Hollywood (huh, huh) don't make me laugh
Cuz your movies and your actin' skills are both trash
Your movies straight to video, the box office can't stand
While I got myself a feature role in Spider Man
Ya hidin' man but when I find you it's on
And when I slam ya to the dirt you'll wish you's never born
I smell a coward mmmm is that you Hogan
Macho's gonna kick ya butt is the slogan
You try to ignore me thinkin' I'll go away
But I'm a keep on messin' wit ya dude day after day
And once you step to Macho, you're through
The joke's on you so Hulk what you gonna do
Probably nothing cuz you're a real big punk
You called my dad up on the phone, man you's a chump
Cuz if you really got static take it up with me
And I'll punk ya butt out for the world to see

[CHORUS] 2X (as if one time wasn't bad enough!!!)

Truly Awful Cover Songs

2007-04-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

Our pals at retrocrush.com are adding more awful to the world with their latest article, The 100 Worst Cover Songs. I'll have to admit, I don't think the Jim Carrey cover of I Am The Walrus is half bad.

I must whole-heartedly agree with Robert and Co though on The Jessica Simpson cover of Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Were Made For Walking."
Get Walking Boots, as far away from that howling banshee as possible. Yuck.

Why Mommy is A Democrat

2007-04-25T14:35:00.000-07:00

Click images to enlarge
O'Reilly's kids book was pretty hilarious. Of course, it's just as awful and riotously funny when the other side decides to brainwash their young uns. And with this fine example they seem to be going for the very young uns.

Why squirrels? Come on guys, your symbol is a donkey, yeah, an ass. Now you have the opportunity to pick another animal to be associated with and you blow it again. You're just inviting words like "Squirrelly" and many references to nuts.

Okay, I will give them points for making it an elephant that mommy's keeping the babies safe from.

The elephant should have a "Pave The Rain Forest" sticker on it's ass, just to drive the point all the way home.

Uh, mommy makes the kids go to school also or mommy goes also? This page is not well written, no Pulitzer.

But that's not the important part. As a kid, I always hated whoever I blamed for making me go to school. Grrrrr, I still hate those bastard. What? It was the Dems? I guess I'll be voting 3rd party this year.

Democrats share their toys? With each other maybe, and with the lobbyists who buy them the toys. I don't know about you, but I don't get invited to play with these toys too often myself.

I think this book and the O'Reilly book should be sold together as the ultimate gift pack. It could be the fruitcake of the younger set, passed from kid to kid, never being read, forever regifted.

Come on people, whatever happened to Dr. Seuss or Go Dog Go or Nixon reads Mein Kampf for Tots?

Of course the best thing about these graphics is HOW very inviting they are for photoshopping. So please, let's see what you can do eh? And hopefully soon we'll feature some skewed versions of these darling pages. If you're photoshop is chosen as the best, you'll receive:

Accolades! No postage required
Increased Self Esteem! (Dry clean only.)
Fame and Fortune on a verry smal scale.

Good Luck!

Wishing Well; Party Supply Store

2007-04-22T18:09:00.000-07:00

click crappy phone-camera images to enlarge
I had to go to Wishing Well, a party supply store here in Sacramento, to pick up some ticket stock. I was glad to have a camera phone.

The first item to grab my attention was this "Realistic Skull Fogger." It's totally true to it's claim. You can see that it looks exactly like a real fog blowing skull, yes? I mean, it looks like every evil skull with a fog producing nasal condition that I've ever seen.

As I headed upstairs I heard a women direct a customer to "The pirate section" and I realized what poor career choices I've made. My work does not have a pirate section, and that's some serious suck.

I decided to check out the various sections. In addition to pirate, there's also an Indian, wait, no, it's a Native American section. The correct labeling made me think they were going to be politically sensitive here.

The magic knife, depicting one Native American with the knife through his head and another with the knife stuck in his back let me know I was hoping too much. And what the hell does this knife have to do with Native Americans anyway? Just the first thing that came to mind when they had to come up with a good potential victim for this thing? At least it's accurately labeled, "TERRIBLE" though I'd have preferred "AWFUL."

Also of interest were the quite authentic "Peace Pipes." lovingly handcrafted out of plastic by real Indians in China. You didn't know about the Chinese Indian population? Stick with me kid. I'll learn you real good.

As you can see, each pipe ends in a small Native American head, just like the real ones.

There's no opening to put the tobacco in. Is this due to fears that kids will buy this to actually use in, um, you know, achieving peace? Oh well, the plastic fumes would probably have given 'em a better high than they deserved.

The Mexican section featured this Mexican Fiesta Pepper Bead Curtain. I think I may have stumbled into the little village where these are made, just outside of Merida if I remember correctly. My favorite thing about this is that they couldn't find an actual Mexican for the photograph? Hell, they couldn't even find a real model. They got Jimmy Kimmel's cousin in his new Chino's to walk through the curtain by holding a donut and a six pack up behind the camera.

And what section is this item from? The Biker section silly. I mean just look at the picture, that's a biker, right? Right? He's got a little biker mustache. And he is lifting his eyebrows up in what is clearly a biker's come hither expression. I see guys like this hanging out at the biker bar down the street from me all the time. And they're really nice bikers too. They let their girlfriends ride their bikes while they're at the club. I think that's whats going on. I never see their girlfriends, and I never see their bikes, so it seems to reason, yes?

My next party is going to RULE! Thanks Wishing Well.

Postcards

2007-04-18T08:16:00.000-07:00

Click images to enlarge
"Hey Bret,
Remember last summer, when you tried to score with that sixteen year old at the fair and she puked all over your lap on the ferris wheel? HA ha, this chick totally looks like her, so I had to get you this postcard. Call soon, your dad looks BAD. I think he's got the same thing you got. Love, Brian."

I don't get down to LA as often as I'd like, but that's no reason to let Bret have a break from my ruthless onslaught of awful.
Not when postcards can be bought and mailed so cheaply.

I like to think that by the end of this tirade of US Govt delivered chintz Bret was praying for a letter bomb which he'd happily sign for, even paying any postage due just to be out of his misery.

The great thing about the postcards is that Bret lives in an apartment building where his mail is on display for all to see. From his neighborhood mail carrier to his neighbors and his landlord, my messages would be shared. And luckily he has one particularly nosey and gossipy neighbor who we KNOW looks at everybody's mail.

"Hey Bret, How's it going? Does your brother know about the little incident between you and his girlfriend yet? Dude, you were drunk, it doesn't count. I mean hell, if two bottles of Jack between one dude and two cute chicks ain't a get out of jail free card WTF is, yeah? Let's just hope you didn't share you're "Surprise" with her. Speaking of which, the ointment you recommended is working fine. Thanks. Peace, Sissy Regina.

PS: Dig the lesbian bikers man. Totally thought of you and those two "girls" who kicked your ass in S.C. (LOL!)"

"Hey, it IS porn okay. Art? You got to be kidding me. I love you man, but you need help. Until then stay the hell away from me and my family. Sorry, but there's certain shit that crosses the line. Art. Shit. Give me a f'ing break.
Sincerely,
Pablo
BTW: You want to know what art is? Get rid of that shit and hang this postcard on your wall man."

"Bret,
You still got that ass-hat landlord?
How many times can you rip off the same stupid son of a bitch before he catches on that it's an "inny" job. Seriously buddy, you might be pushing your luck. Getting locked up in here with me would serve you right, since you never visit, jerk.
Sincerely, Frank"

To fully appreciate this last one you should know, Bret's landlord is about 6' 7" and capable of snapping Bret like a twig. Love ya Bret.

Infernal Majesty "None Shall Defy"

2007-04-15T22:52:00.000-07:00

Satan commands you to click images to enlarge
Jessie has an awful album. I'm sure I have a worse one. We've been fighting about this for years.

Jessie's awful album is Infernal Majesty's "None Shall Defy."

If my album, a comp titled "Born to Metalize" wasn't so incredibly awful I wouldn't dare challenge Jessie.

After all, Infernal Majesty does thank Satan in their liner notes. And they do have a guy named "Psycopath" who combines a long white-guy afro with Buddy Holly glasses and Corey Feldman looks.

And they include their lyrics:
"Satan
Satan
Satan
Satan
Lead us into hell
Ah ah, Ah ah, Ah ah, Ah ah
Ah ah, Ah ah, Ah ah, Ah ah
Ah ah, Ah ah, Ah ah, Ah ah
Ah ah, Ah ah, Ah ah, Ah ah"

Notice that it took TWO of them to write that. Did Psycopath come up with "Satan, Satan, Satan, Satan" and then Nemes was all, "Yeah dude, totally, and then how about 'Lead us into hell, Ah ah Ah ah Ah ah...?'"

You'll be glad to note, the songs are published through ASCAP. If you want to record a cover, or use the music at your wedding finding the rights will be downright convenient.

Check back soon for an in depth look at Born To Metalize. And then I'll see about having Jessie over and we'll actually listen to both albums. We must decide once and for all who has the more awful example of early Heavy Metal at it's delightful worst.

The Littlest Homey vs Bling Dragon

2007-04-13T12:29:00.000-07:00

Shopping for Brett's birthday is fun.
I'd already gotten him a framed autographed picture of my colon, but Bryna and I wanted to let him know just how special he really is to us.

Macy's is right by Bryna's work and I was getting tired of the thrift store variety of awful that is our specialty. We found awful a-plenty at the old Macy's and finding it at an overpriced shop makes it even better (so long as you score it on super clearance.)

What you're looking at here is a t-shirt. The round center graphic is printed on a disc of plastic. It's holographic.

Look at it from one angle and it's a chubby cheeked little gangster guy, although he looks to me more like a gang's mascot. I think the real gangsters do whatever illicit gang type activities there doing and this fella runs back and forth between them and whatever onlooker are around, soliciting cheers and getting people to do the wave. At any rate, he appears to be cradling the city's buildings lovingly, parentally in his arms (perhaps he's a model railroad enthusiast?)

But, catch it from another angle, and VOILA, he's now holding big bundles of cash money.
I'm pretty sure real gangsters don't wear t-shirts with picture of gangsters on 'em. It's like the cheap-plastic-mask Halloween costumes we had as kids. They had to put a picture of Chewebacca on it so that it was clear you were supposed to be Chewebacca. "Look I'm a gangster, SEE, a gangster."

I don't even think the posers would be lining up to sport this monstrosity, which explains why we found it on the clearance rack. Of course even at 50% off it was STILL $14, but it IS Brett's birthday, and I do want to see him wear this, so it's on its way to LA. Happy birthday buddy.

THE RUNNER UPS.
Also at Macy's, a pair of $50 shorts, CUT OFFS! Cargo pants cut offs even. And by cut off I mean threads hanging from the sloppy cut just above the knee. But wait, it gets worse. The pants were worn looking and had spots of different colors of paint splattered randomly. For fifty bucks you can look like a serious urban artist taking a brief break from his studio.

And then there's this:
Yes, it really is an Asian style dragon made out of bling. There's dookie gold chains, jeweled watches, gold ecko dog tags and bad ass dragon-fu coming at you. WATCH OUT!

After we left the mall I saw several people wearing Ecko. They were wearing red t-shirts, hoodies, etc. Who the hell's wearing this stuff? Other than Brett I mean.

Framed Autographed Colonoscopy Photo

2007-04-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

Click to enlarge image at your own risk.
To be honest with you I'm unclear as to whether the message “Wish you where here” is an invitation carrying homo-erotic overtones or if it alludes to our dear Keith Lowell Jensen’s desire to consume me.
As he signs off on his emails “writer comedian, zombie” I’m going to have to go with the later.

Regardless of intent there is one thing that is abundantly clear; Keith’s colon is not a place I would chose to hold a bar mitzvah. The troubling thing about this gift is finding the right place in your home to hang such a thing.

Oh sure you can take the easy way out and put it in the bathroom but to me that seems so negative, focusing only on the waste portion of the digestive system. A walk in closet, the hall, the bedroom; none of these places seemed to capture the spirit of this little beauty.
I wanted to focus on the positive aspects of the colon, to really embrace the concept that all life is made possible by this amazing organ. So as I prepared vegan sushi last night for my lovely girlfriend I did it staring squarely into the bowels of Keith.

I’m sure as you read this you are wondering "How can I get one of these for my kitchen?" Well my dear friends you are in luck. All you need to do is send us a picture of your awful stuff and cross your fingers. Our "Awful of the Month" winner will receive their very own autographed picture of Keith’s guts.

(To send us your awful, you can email us at trulyawful@gmail.com or post to the comments section at myspace.com/trulyawful. Good luck)

Love From The Sacramento Bee

2007-04-11T22:38:00.000-07:00

Can't. Look. Away.

If you haven't already been e-mailed the link to this site like, a million times, it's high time you checked out Truly Awful Stuff.

The blog is the brainchild of local comedian and writer Keith Lowell Jensen and his Hollywood pal Brett Wilson. And, well, the name kind of says it all.

Simply put, this is a place "dedicated to the truly awful things we've given each other over the years."

Intrigued? Sorry, but of the many items of questionable taste on display here, the only example my editor will probably let me tell you about is the "Easter Bunny's Headstone" lawn ornament.

Nice! Makes a person long for the understated kitsch of a hot-pink plastic flamingo.

That said, Truly Awful Stuff is like an Internet trainwreck -- you kind of feel bad reading about (and looking at photos of) some of these items, but once you click there, it's really, really hard to click away.

And apparently I'm not the only one who feels this way, because after the Metafilter link portal spotlighted the site last week, Truly Awful Stuff has logged thousands of hits.

Which is, truly cool.

Rachel Leibrock, Sac Bee staff writer wrote this on the Bee's entertainment blog.

The Easter Bunny's Headstone

2007-04-06T20:13:00.000-07:00

Easter Bunny, RIP.

What genius came up with this "Lawn ornament?" It's straight out of that legendary, lost holiday special Tim Burton's "Nightmare Before Easter." It is unmistakably, undeniably the Easter Bunny's Headstone. And I can't imagine they were thinking anything else when they chose to make it all one color like this, never mind the morose look on the grieving little bunny's face. What is even the slightest bit festive about this thing?

We're doing our best to keep this blog accessible to everyone, despite the fact that we're such unsavory types ourselves. With that effort in mind we'll let you decide if you want to see a rather graphic depiction of how the Easter Bunny met his demise. Click Here if you want to see it, but remember we warned you.

And for you of more delicate tastes, a dumb joke, a REALLY dumb joke:

A man was driving down the road when out of nowhere hops a huge bunny. WHAM! He hits the rabbit. Jumping out his car he realizes to his horror that he's killed the Easter Bunny. There are chocolate eggs, and plastic grass and Peeps(c) everywhere. "OH MY GOD!" he screams.

A passing jogger stops and calms him. She pulls a small bottle out of her purse and begins pouring it's contents on the dead rabbit who springs back to life, gathers up his spilled goodies and hops away. After just a few hops he turns and waves. A few more hops and he waves again. He continues this hopping, waving, hopping, waving as he disappears over the horizon.

The relieved motorist looks around and finds the jogger has left but there on the ground is her bottle; "Shampoo; Brings dead hair back to life and adds permanent wave."

I told you it was dumb. What? You thought I was kidding?

Tampon Easter Bunny

2007-04-06T06:46:00.000-07:00

We do like to get into the holiday spirit here at TrulyAwfulStuff.com and what holiday is more ripe for our purposes than Easter; a Pagan holiday co-opted by Christians that they might celebrate the resurection of their savior with chocolate eggs laid by a bunny?!?

And what better way to celebrate an already tremendously odd holiday than with an Easter Bunny made of tampons and tampon applicators?

Visit TamponCrafts.com/bunny for full easy to follow instructions, with pictures. While you're there check out the other great things you can make with fresh unused tampons. The last part of that sentence is real important okay?

Watch for more Easter Goodness over the next two days.
And for more on the absurdity of Easter check out this great Eddie Izzard clip at RockAss.net.

Crayon Shin Chan clock with flashing penis alarm

2007-04-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

With our daily visits topping out above 4,000 we're getting lots of attention and lots of contributions. Please keep sending in your awful. It helps us to be lazy.

Today's awful was sent by David at Creative Creativity. David Writes:

"In Japan there is a popular Bart Simpson-esque character called Crayon Shin Chan. His cartoons are popular and very off color. I once asked a Japanese exchange student about him and she blushed and told me never to mention him again.

Imagine my surprise when I opened a box of alarm clock samples at work and found an alarm clock of Crayon. He looks just like a lot of anime characters, except he has his pants down around his ankles and as the alarm goes off, his tiny penis flashes. It's like he has a built in pedophile alarm."

The wikipedia page for Crayon Shin Chan has a bunch of great links. I love this descripton of Shin Chan:

"He just tries to have a good time and in doing so does things which will create the maximum vexation in others."

Share your awful stuff with us by posting it to our myspace comments section or e-mail a link (no attachments) to trulyawful@gmail.com.

Have a Happy Period

2007-04-04T07:08:00.000-07:00

DeAnn, whose collection the Molotov Cocktail came from, sent us this. Personally, I'm stoked to finally know some French I can use! DeAnn writes:

The peel-off strip for Always Ultra pad "wings" adhesive strip advising it's users to "Have a Happy Period".
The phrasing of it kind of reminds me of when someone you don't know passes you on the street and tells you to "smile".
And I wonder what phrases didn't make the cut at the product packaging conference meeting...

"Please do enjoy your menstrual cycle".

"Thanks for flying with Always with Wings!"

Looks like others have their own thing to say about this:

From someone on Craigslist PA (it made the "Best of" section).
"You can even send an e-card from the Always website to your menstruating friends to cheer them up (or something)! So not only do they get your name and email address, but your friends and approximate date of period also. I wonder who actually uses this, it's not like we generally have OTR radar or anything and I don't go around asking who's got the bleeding going on."

Have a Happy Period E-Card. There are four different ones you can select from.

I wish I was making this stuff up, but this is sadly real (and awful) marketing.

Share your awful stuff with us by posting it to our myspace comments section or e-mail a link (no attachments) to trulyawful@gmail.com.

"Kiss My Black Ass" Cat Shirt

2007-04-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

There are a few things in childhood that could be counted on. Older brother will give you wedgies, someone will beat you to the prize in the cereal box and Santa will attempt to ruin that holy day of Christmas by totally ignoring your request for a GI Joe Night Attack Stinger assault vehicle even though it is clear as the nose on your face that Duke has no way to engage the Cobra Command and that the very fate of the free world is a stake. Instead of much need munitions what’s that fat man bring ya? Yes you guessed it clothes.

All of my children have four legs and I have no intention of producing any of the two legged variety. However I go to great lengths to leave my four legged kids with the same deep psychological scars that I enjoyed as a child.

A little black kitten named Killwhitey is the most recent addition to my dysfunctional little hovel and like all new comers bears an unfair brunt of the abuse. Keith smelling blood in the water drew inspiration form that jolly drunken yuletide master of breaking and entering and gifted my darling little girl a shirt. Putting clothes on animals is bad, period, but this takes the disgrace to new levels. Kiss My Black Ass? This is low, even for Keith. And you can see in the picture just how happy she is to be wearing it. Another innocent bystander is caught in the cross fire.

Careful where you leave your shoes next time you visit Kieth.

Awful Books

2007-04-02T06:46:00.000-07:00

RetroCrush.com has a great collection of awful (and delightful) books up right now. With titles like "Satan Was a Lesbian", "Homo Sweet Homo", "Babes and Sucklings" and "The Abortive Hussy" you really can't go wrong.

CLICK HERE to check out this hilarious gallery. Some of the stuff might not be safe for work, depending on where you work. If you work anywhere on "Queer Street" you should be okay.

I'll be adding this to our links page where several other RetroCrush collections of awful reside already.

Hitler Pezz Dispenser

2007-04-01T18:20:00.000-07:00

Brett is now in first place. He already gave me the anatomically correct pegacorns, but now, with this one, well, It'll be quite some time before I find anything nearly as awful.

World War II brought us so much great awful, but not much beats Hitler themed toys, cartoons, and candy dispensers!!!
Yes, candy dispensers.

Hitler you see, made us think less of millions of slaughtered Jews and more of a Darth Vader type, universally recognized bad guy. The dude we loved to hate. Daffy Duck hated him, and if you did too, why not snap his head back and get a sweet treat as a reward.

Pezz does not feature this in their catalogue and will deny it's existence, just as they deny the even more offensive Nicole Simpson dispenser (works best with Red pezz.)

April 2nd Update: I will reluctantly invite you all to examine the date of this post. :)
And then click here for some source information.

More on the Maco Molotov Cocktail

2007-03-31T13:16:00.000-07:00

Fascinated by the toy molotov cocktail, I've been researching it. The manufacturer, Maco Toys sold their products through a catalog masquerading as a war comic.

The back page of the comic featured a "Loyalty Oath"

"LOYALTY
I will always obey the laws of the United States of America, the laws of my state and community. I will obey my parents at all times. I will abide by the rules of my school.

HONESTY
I will tell the truth at all times. I will be honest with my parents, my teachers, and all with whom I come in contact.

HEALTH
I will get plenty of sleep, fresh air and exercise. I will eat three good meals a day."

And they sold in toy stores as well as evidenced by this trade ad geared toward retailers.

So where did Maco go? Did they get bought out by Hasbro? Did they decide to start manufacturing REAL weapons for the Contras? Or were they just too honest in their glorification of war? GI Joe had fictionalized villains and no matter how many bullets were fired none ever found its human target. Perhaps parents preferred Joe's kinder gentler way to prepare the soldiers of tomorrow.

Click Here for the original molotov cocktail post.
Thanks to Comic Book Resources for information.

Toy Molotov Cocktail (You know, for kids!)

2007-03-30T13:26:00.000-07:00

More of "Your Awful"

DeAnn replied to our call for awful and after getting a peek at just a few of the awful things in her collection I decided I had to visit her home and see first hand what other treasures I could find. She welcomed me and my camera to come by next Sunday.

In the meanwhile the piece that most intrigued and thrilled me was this Molotov Cocktail toy, yes; TOY! It says so right on the package. And love the subtitle, "Tank Buster." Well at least it's teaching kids to fight the power instead of to fight for the power. Maybe we could use more toys like this eh?

It's actually got me thinking that they might have missed some great marketing opportunities with movies like Fight Club. Who says a "Tyler Durden doll with imploding building©" wouldn't be appropriate? I dont think Maco Toys would have a problem with it. Hell even United 93 or World Trade Center might have great untapped potential for toys or maybe breakfast cereals. The "My First Act of Terrorism©" kit will be a big hit at Toys 'R' Us. How about "September 11th Cereal©" shaped like little people. You'd shake them out of twin boxes shaped like buildings (Good way to sell mulitple boxes of cereal!) with a toy airplane in each box. I just got carried away didn't I? I'll just move on now...

DeAnn and her husband Lurch run cool local movie screenings. Click here for more on that and watch for the Truly Awful Stuff field trip to their house featuring many more photos of great awful stuff, coming soon.

Update: Click here for more on this awful thing!

A Whole Lotta Awful

2007-03-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

If you're paying attention to the right column you may have noticed our new Awful Links section, because there's more awful than we could ever cover on just this one site. You'll find links to awful Star Wars collectibles, awful lunch boxes, awful sex scenes and more. Click Here to go directly to our links page and enjoy.

Bobblehead Monkey Picture Frame with Cowboy

2007-03-28T11:43:00.000-07:00

I am deeply hesitant to refer to this item as awful as I love it so much. The frame, which came to me along with The Eagles Clock, is truly a 3 dimensional non sequitur.

Taken one at a time the elements that make up this little gem are largely unremarkable but blend them together and you are left with the benchmark by which bizarre items will hence forward be judged.

Sure the notorious Elvis-Last-Supper painting is odd, but is it "bobblehead monkey frame featuring a random cowboy" strange?

I think not.

I would like to note the picture in the frame came with it. This item was in no way doctored leaving us to ponder this question; Was the random cowboy just something they had sitting around or was there some thought given adding him into the frame?

The random cowboy made his arduous journey from China nestled safely behind a thin layer of polyurethane sheeting all the while his ever vigilant simian companion seeming to nod out the message “Hang in there little random cowboy, in America we will be loved!"

And they are.
(A little aside; I had never actually seen an Elvis last supper painting and was using it to make a point. How ever I googled it and found not one but many. Arbor day is coming soon and nothing says happy tree day like The King.)

Hear us on the Radio!

2007-03-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

Today, we'll be on Insight, on KXJZ at around 1:45, talking about our awful stuff and your awful stuff too.
You can listen live at CapRadio.org.
Or, if you miss the show it will be archived HERE.

Your Awful Stuff

2007-03-26T09:57:00.000-07:00

Jennifer sent us this lovely clock. Well, she sent us a picture of it anyway.

She says: "It lights up and blinks red. They can be hung on the wall or sat on a table. You have the option of just using it as a clock or having it blink."

We'll pick the best reader-submitted piece o' awful for an awful of the month spot each week.

Please send us your awful stuff. You can go to our myspace page, http://myspace.com/trulyawful and post it in our comments section. You must add us to be able to post comments.

You can also put it online and send us the link at trulyawful@gmail.com. Please do not send attachment. We'll not be able to open them.

O'Reilly, FOR KIDS?

2007-03-25T00:40:00.000-07:00

Okay, don't think we're getting partisan on you here. True, two guys who are this good looking, this smart, this poor and who know how to use the internet don't need to tell you that they're pretty far to the left, but that's not why this book is qualifying as awful.

No, it's not that O'Reilly is such a right-wing, crack-pot nut-job, it's that anyone out there would think that A KID would want this book. I mean look at the cover for Chrissake. What on this cover says for kids, other than those exact words of course, "For Kids"? What kids rushes home from school, begs his dad to turn off the Nick-Toons so to enjoy his milk and cookies while devouring all the wit and wisdom that Ol' Uncle Billy has to offer?

I was looking for a present for my nephew Antonio, a real, actual present, but I saw this and decided Brett had to have it. I'll get it to him soon, and then I expect a full book report. The cover alone has me thrilled to no end but I'm sure the contents would cause my head to spin around and my brain to explode. If this book makes the best seller list, which it may, it will be because people are buying it to find out if it's for real.

Brett won't have to get past page one of the text to find a Truly Awful Stuff worthy quote. "Even though I am now famous and successful, I still keep my old friends. And believe me, none of them looks like Jennifer Aniston. It would not be hard being her friend."

As you can see, this is his greatest work since his 1998 erotic thriller, "Those Who Trespass."

And, because it's late, and I've had sugar AKA crank for Keith, I'll tell you a quick story involving a conservative and a kid's book. The book; The Rainbow Fish. The conservative; Mike Coppola, a former employer of mine.

The way the book is written, a rainbow fish won't share his pretty rainbow scales with other fish and so has no friends. He wants friends, he decides to share, (SPOILER ALERT) at the end of the book each fish sports one rainbow scale, all is happy. Mike, lovable ditto-head that he is, of course recognizes communist propaganda when he sees it.

And so we have, the book as Mike reads it to his little boy; Rainbow fish has beautiful scales. The other fish ask for his scales. Rainbow fish says, "No. You can get a job and buy your own scales you lazy bums." The other fish won't be his friends but he stands firm for he is a solid citizen. The other fish learn a valuable lesson and they all get jobs, work hard and buy their own rainbow scales. All is good.

Oh, and don't worry, I got my nephew a very nice Magic kit. It's how I annoyed adults at his age and I figure the tradition should continue.

The Eagles

2007-03-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

Clocks seem to bear the unfair brunt of hideous art. It is as if the sculptor or painter realizing their limited artistic ability have confined their art to the form of utilitarian. I imagine a bright eyed understudy working in a remote Italian villa. "But master" says the neophyte sculptor "fish... I can only craft fish." The master regards him wearily “how do you feel about banks?”

The eagles represent a multi tiered tragedy. The first of which would be the artist sitting down to his work table a lump of clay resting before him representing an endless multitude of possibilities. He takes a long drink of his breakfast Pabst and says to himself “I have it ….. EAGLES!”.

The next and perhaps most dismaying tragedy inherent in this item is that it represents an escalation. Not only was this item part of pair of items gifted me at the same time, a gross breech of protocol, but that it was selected by Bryna!

In any war it’s the family who suffers. I watch as the small eagle pendulums back and forth and I think not of majestic avian in flight, rather I think of collateral damage and a woman’s fall from grace……..

Anatomically Correct Pegacorns

2007-03-19T21:48:00.000-07:00

The Ponies. Brett figured the game would end with this. He was sure I'd would crack at having to house this one, or at least that Bryna would make me quit.

Out drinkin' in LA, he went into the liquor store for one last round of bottles and there were the ponies on a shelf behind the register. Brett asked if they were for sale. Of course they weren't, I mean, who would part with such a beautiful item.
Two Unicorns, or Pegasuses, or, um, well they have wings and a horn, Pegacorns? ...anyway they're straddling a clock. One is female. How do we know? She has big pink wings. The other is male. How do we know? He has a big old horse penis! Yep, he's one impressively anatomically correct Pegacorn, and quite happy about it as you can see.

Brett knew he had to have it, or rather, he knew he had to have me have it, and so he offered to buy it several times, upping the price each time. He was obsessed. if the shopkeep had known how obsessed he'd have held out and gotten hundred for this work of art. Instead he took pity and let the weird little white boy have the clock for $20.

Brett was beaming with pride as he presented the Pegacorns to me. Bryna had had enough and was determined that this awful thing live at my work. I figured I could keep it at work for a bit and then sneak it home later. Brett was furious. Since his office is his apartment he can't keep things at work. I reminded him that he broke my unibrow, flowered, ceramic pig (story soon, I promise) and he mellowed out.

My office mates thought the piece quite awful so when ever one of them sneezed they got the Pegacorns on their desk. This was a fun game, with everyone trying not to sneeze and whoever had the Pegacorns listening at all times for somebody trying to sneeze on the low down. Several times I bolted out of the office to sneeze in the yard.

This went on until BoBo (not his real name), my boss let out a huge sneeze. The winged, horned beasts landed on his desk. And there they stayed, and stay still even as I type. BoBo called them his ponies and BoBo loves his ponies. BoBo's macho friends and associates come to meet with him and there, amidst his pictures of George W. Bush, sports memorbilia and a photo collage of past pet pit-bulls sit the ponies. For some reason BoBo felt the need to hide his face when I tried to photograph him with his ponies. (And after I posted this, BoBo insisted I not use his real name, even though there's a charictature of him clearly visible in the background.)

BoBo loves his ponies.

Horse people are bad, like golf people and dog people and angel people. So I'm sure we'll see more ponies, with or without wings and/or horns.

UPDATE: This post was linked at gigglesugar.com and someone wondered if Franklin Mint might be behind this beautiful item. Nope. The smal gold tag obscurred by BoBo's hand in the last picture reads "The Yanglin Collection." I do hope to have some Franklin Mint grace our collection soon.

UPDATE 2: Click here to read comments at another site that linked this page. I love that Laughing Squid and Ouchy led to us. We're indeed in good company.

Teenage Jesus

2007-03-17T17:09:00.000-07:00

This one's on my wishlist. I want so badly to buy a print of this and see it hanging on Brett's wall. At Twenty bucks plus shipping this would be one of the more expensive gifts and I can't help thinking it would meet with an "accident" pretty darn quick. There's also the serious problem that Brett lives in Southern California where tacky religious art exists in great abundance. His revenge would be swift and dramatic I have no doubt. I know he had his eye on a life size plaster crucifix painted in pastels at one time.

I found this when I saw a Google ad on my website, which read "Jesus was a teenager. What's up with that?" I had to know.

I'm glad I risked a click. Look at the amazing piece of art I would have missed. Thank you Google, Thank you.

I can't decide what I like best, his belly gang tattoo (it says Apostles), the goth/drag girlfriend or the fact that he seems to be practicing his crucifixion posture.

To really appreciate the painting though you've got to check out the utterly sincere website. www.teenagejesus.com. Teenage Jesus, coming soon to Brett's wall.

The Leg

2007-03-17T09:49:00.000-07:00

Click images for larger view
This was a garage sale find.

By the time I found this Brett and I were starting to dread our little game and we would dodge each other if we knew a new "gift" was floating around.

I'm ashamed to say Brett has successfully dodged this one for over a year. I've given him many other presents in that time, but the only way I'll get this to him is if I remember to make him take it when he visits me in Sacramento, as I will not give up my limited luggage space to bring it to him on my visits to LA; not when I can fit two or three other monstrosities in the same space.

This is a real prosthetic leg complete with stump grime (see overhead photo.) It is, so far, my girlfriends least favorite awful thing but she won't put it in her luggage either. She won't go near it.

In a couple of months, when we start our ebay auctions I think this little beauty may be the first to go. The stump grime should be a big selling point. I really like saying stump grime. I think maybe that should go on a t-shirt, stump grime.

PS: Stump Grime!

Crying Baby on Toilet

2007-03-16T19:18:00.000-07:00

The piece that started it all.

Brett, where did you find this damned thing?

Brett excitedly presented this monstrosity and I accepted it, much to my poor girlfriend's chagrin, but I pledged revenge.

Look at it. It's beautiful. First, the child is still wearing her diapers (pink diapers, so it must be a girl?) while sitting on the toilet so the training isn't going too well. Thing get worse as she has fallen into the toilet. It would seem the toilet was full of milk, milk that is for some reason foaming out of the toilet.

It's the little details that really make this special; the hand clutching the yellow roll of toilet paper, the two white tears streaming down each cheek and the fact that the little statue is made out some sort of painted plastic.

Did I mention it's a bank? Insert the coins in the back. Could your quarters be any safer? Thanks Brett, you son of a bitch.

In a couple of months we'll have many of our treasures up on e-bay, but this little gem will stay right where it belongs, in a display case in my hallway, except when my girlfriend takes it and hides it, but I usually find it again pretty quickly.

Who Are We?

2007-03-15T13:20:00.000-07:00

Click to enlarge at your own risk
Brett Wilson lives in the Los Feliz neighborhood of Hollywood California. Brett's home is a tiny little apartment full of reptiles and bugs. He really doesn't have room for the awful stuff that Keith keeps giving him, but of course he will not concede defeat.

Brett makes his living showing his animals to kids at Birthday Parties, Schools and Babtisms. See, http://www.lizardboyzoo.com/.

Brett's apartment is located in Wilton Place, an amazing apartment building full of artists, musicians and assorted other poor people. Officially Wilton Place is a no pets building.

Keith Lowell Jensen lives with his fiance Bryna in Sacramento California where he performs comedy both on his own and with the troupe, I Can't Believe It's Not Comedy.

Keith spends WAY too much time online maintaining numerous blogs all of which can be accessed via his homepage http://rockass.net/.
He somehow still finds time to panhandle.

Bryna has threatened to leave Keith if he accepts any more awful stuff, but she herself has found some of the worse things now occupying Brett's collection. Ah, the complexities of a good woman.

Brett and Keith met when Brett and his 1st x-wife walked by Keith's house after ingesting l.s.d. Keith invited the total strangers up to "see his water puppies." Brett then had Keith over to "see his bearded dragons, leopard geckos, water monitors, snakes, white's tree frogs and more." The two have been pals ever since, even though Brett once evicted Keith from a room he'd rented him as Keith annoyed the Mrs. Eventually he wizened up and lost that Mrs, and several more since.

Awful Links

2007-03-14T19:17:00.000-07:00

Just getting started here. We plan on this becoming the definitive list of Awful. Keep checking Back

Other Sites Celebrating The Awful
Awful (and real) Star Wars collectibles
Blender Mag's Awful Music
More Awful Music
Awful Religious Stuff
Awful Commercials
Awful Album Covers

RetroCrush.com
They have some great awful lists
Awful Sex Scenes
Awful Lunch Boxes
Awful Movie Titles
Awful Movie Characters
Awful Pulp Fiction Books

Our Sites
Rockass.net home to Keith's many blogs
LizardBoyZoo.com Is Brett a furry?

Inter-Friends
Fine folks who've linked to our site
Wikipedia's Maco Toy Entry
Insight on Capitol Public Radio
Metafilter.com
Extreme Fajita
Giggle Sugar
my.opera.com
A Whole Lotta Nothing
www.latejedora.es
www.nezinau.lt
www.aventuraspez.blogspot.com
www.misslapin.blogspot.com
www.bored.overnow.com