Hookers, A Great Gift Idea

Seeing the front of this pack of Hookers you might think, "Alright Keith, you are soooo immature, they are just hooks for carrying your skis. Grow up already."
And I could hear you saying that (you condescending bastard) but I AM immature and so could not resist taking a better look whilst giggling to myself "Tee hee, hookers, tee hee, it says hookers."

Take a peek at the BACK Side of this nice little package and then tell me that someone, somewhere along the line did not know damn well what they were doing!!!

MAKE IT EASY WITH HOOKERS!
And there's one sexy little ski bunny, who probably had no idea that she was filling that sweater in order to appear along side such text. "A Great Gift Idea" indeed. "TEE HEE" INDEED!!!

Now then, please go back and reread this post so you can giggle at me telling you to look at the backside of the Hookers. Teee heee. I even made reference to the Hookers' nice package! BWA HA HA HA! Okay, so maybe I am a bit immature, just a bit. Hookers!

Two Ginger Bread Girls, One Cup...

and one happy gingerbread man.

Thanks to K.M. Meenie for bringing this to our attention. Apparently Nik from Kill Everything was doing a bit of Christmas shopping when he spotted this little gem.

The more you look at it the more wrong it is. There was no price tag but Nik knows a good thing when he sees one and so he made for the register with his treasure ready to pay any price.

The cashier, no doubt full of holiday cheer, and those of you who've worked retail during the holidays know what a cheery thing that is with the pushy customers and Hall and Oats' version of Jingle Bell Rock blastin' all day, ack, gives me flashbacks just thinking about, anyway this cashier grabs two similar items and goes with the lowest price, Fifty Cents! My God! It's like scoring the Mona Lisa for a nickel.

One ginger stud enjoys a bit of erotic food play with a couple of hot ginger chicas and he's might happy about it. Look at how damn happy he is about it. That is one happy, gingerbread man.

Of course, this might be three ladies. Once a ginger person is naked they're pretty androgynous, unless my cousin Thomas the pervert is baking them but I don't think they let him bake where he is.

This looks like a mass produced item, and I gotta tell you, I want one. If anyone out there can find us one for our collection it will be a Merry Christmas indeed.

Hands Bikini

Christy Lynn sends this bit o' awful. Christy writes: "Not sure if this qualifies as Truly Awful, but it is scary!"
Um, how can you possible doubt the truly awfulness of this? In fact, with this on the site we should go register the URL www.trulytrulytrulyawfulstuff.com. Thanks.

Erotic Sexual Positions from Around The World

The following post contains illustrations of naked people doing fun stuff and some people frown on such. If you're one of them, or in an environment where "they" are likely to be lurking, you may not want to scroll down.

I implore you, click on the images to enlarge!

So, it happened like this. Bryna and I were on an epic road trip around the US. Across the southern states, up the east coast, around New England. There was to be more, but my bus blew up. That's not important now.

What is important is that early on in the trip we did make it to New Mexico and we found a tiny hole-in-the-wall bar where three employees of the local school district (two bus drivers, one janitor) sat talking about giving the kids the smacks they deserved and teasing the one amongst them who would apparently be getting laid that night.

I was amazed and dismayed to discover he'd be getting laid because he was on a date, right then, at that moment. A shy, portly woman sat two bar stools removed from the giggling trio, watching them, looking away when ever anything lascivious was said. She was going to put out after a date like this? Wow! Poor lady.

Bryna and I had a couple of cold beers and played a round of pool. I went to use the restroom and that's when I discovered... The Vending Machines. They had the usual goodies, cock ring, glow in the dark condoms, etc. but there was another machine offering a book; Erotic Sexual Positions From Around The World.

Returning to Bryna and our game and our insane people watching, I mentioned the machines. She of course had to see them for herself. So, there we were in the men's bathroom together, which I was hoping wasn't a capitol offense in this state. Bryna bought everything she could, bitching all the while that the women's room did not have any of this cool stuff.

We got back to our pool playing and later that night, in the privacy of our Volkswagen Bus, with the curtains drawn, we fell in love with books all over again and with each other as well.

The dedication on page one promised we were about to become more worldly lovers. Our fingers shaking with excitement we turned the page.

Kissing with your tongue is French. Hell, we didn't need to spend 75 cents to find that out. But the next page let us know that "Genital and Breast Fondling From The Rear" originated in the Amazon. I had no idea! But of course it made sense.

Next up, from the arctic was, well the page wasn't cut right so we lost the title, but the picture told us all we needed to know about how to stay warm in the great white north.

Next our tour took us to Rome where we learned about "V Fellatio." I felt like playing gladiator right then and there, but Bryna insisted we keep reading.

We're back to France for good ol' 69. God Bless the French. And while it originated from France it's the Latin folks who really love this number, to the point of substituting it for sex (either to avoid pregnancy or to stay in the Pope's favor I assume.)

Missionary Position is not credited to anyone people, but it's the feminists apparently who are responsible for it's decline.

I was relieved. I was sure America was going to get stuck with this oldie somehow.

Eighteenth Century England contributed the "Doggie" position, one of a series of "fun positions." It makes sense that all that bad dentistry would result in a non-face to face position (sorry, it was too easy, I couldn't resist.)

Bryna and I both have freewheeling Scandinavian ancestry and we swelled with pride (honest, that's what it was) upon discovering that our lusty, experimental grandparents may have helped invent the "Backward Jockey Position." Thanks Grams and Grampy for giving the world "the ultimate 'turn on.' "

Things start getting a bit crazy when cross into the orient. Those Chinese and their crazy, sexy love of precision and balance, what will they think of next.

The bad shocks of a VW Bus were likely to be a poor substitute for swaying of camels, though the smell would have been slightly better I'm guessing.
We continued on past Arabia.



The Pyramid, of course came from Egypt.


I'd already experimented with "The King Tut" (a prize to anyone willing to illustrate that one) but The Pyramid looked like a lot more fun.


The Wheelbarrow it would seem needs no comment.

I decided it came from The US of A.

I just know this to be true in my heart of hearts.

A patriotic tear forms in my eye just looking at this loving American couple.



I hadn't realized that prisoners of war were forced to give up their sex secrets until I read about the Supported Front Position Entry learned from captured Japanese prints.

"Yes, yes, you have nifty weapons, you're planning an attack on the White House, yada yada yada, that's all very well, but tell us, where are your naughty prints. We must know more about your sexual positions.
Tell us or it'll be more hot wax, I mean, unless you're into that, in which case, NO MORE HOT WAX."


If you thought India was only good for Tech Support, you haven't heard about it's nick name; "The Mother of Erotica."


While every other position pictured in this little book is likely found in the Kama Sutra it is the comparatively tame Standing Wrap Around that put India on the map, or maybe it was Hindustan that it put on the map, but either way it looks like lots of fun, and they have really good food to so they're okay with me.


The Basques of Spain, when their not fighting their separatist war, are busy doin' it standing, front to front.


Sorry Basques, it's not that I'm not sympathetic to your cause but this just a total rip off. It's clearly just the missionary position turned sideways.


And speaking of rip offs, the Greeks give us the standing rear entry position aka as the doggie position standing. Sheesh.



Of course we all know what the Greeks really contributed but this book was racy enough for New Mexico already.


Whew! That's one hell of a trip around the world and through history as well. We've never yet run into this particular booklet again, nor any of the erotic best sellers that were to follow it, but we keep our eyes open.



I'll have to ask Bryna if the vending machines in the women's room have improved any. I figure at the least they should have some candy machines. If you're buying the feminine hygiene products they sell chances are you're going to also want some candy, yes?
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