As a child I was rotten and I foolishly believed I could escape the "some day you will end up with a kid just like you" maternal hex by simply not breeding.
Little did I know that the Mom juju was powerful enough to over come the slight technicality of my not having children. I speak of course of my ever-loving cat, Killwhitey. Her hobbies include such things as jumping from second story windows, playing rousing games of tarantula ball and my personal favorite taunting the nine foot python, a game I like to call playing snake food.
I have had to pull her both from the awning above my apartment and the telephone wires above my roof.
In short this animal is slowly graying my hair and ulcerating my stomach much like I did to my poor mother all those years ago.
Keith has taken pity on me and ceased the early morning phone calls he once took such joy in. Whitey, sharing with Keith some need to stop me from ever sleeping past sunrise opted to get me out of bed this morning by filling my stove with dirt by smashing a potted plant on it. Kinda her way of saying "Get up Dad it's 6 am and time to play".
I had a great time looking at DeAnn and Lurch's wild collection of stuff, a collection that has totally taken over their house. I decided to divide this up in to two film clips mostly because I'm too busy (No realy, busy, not lazy. Hey screw you!) Enjoy, and be sure to visit these crazy kids at their site, Shiny-Object.com
12:46pm (que spacey music here) - I glide majestically about the ruddy streets of Hollywood on my brand new battery powered electric scooter. Dangling from my right ear whine the melodic tones of Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, pumping out of my 60gb video iPod. Crammed into my left ear is a state of the art Samsung Bluetooth wireless headset connected to Palm's latest flagship pda, the Treo 700p, which I purchased because the previous pda proved to be incompatible with my new dual core desktop PC. In short, my e-penis is huge.
I stop to wirelessly read Keith's latest offering on the Blog, with Macho Man Randy Savage staring back at me from the hi-resolution screen, I give Keith a call.
Keith: "Hello?" Brett: "Okay, I've graduated from Nerd to Super Nerd." Keith: "Oh yeah? Do you have a Blog called 'SeaMonkeyGeek.com' sponsored by Sea Monkeys?"
In 2003 Macho Man Randy Savage, wrestler and Slim Jim spokes model decided to add Rapper to his resume.
The results are, from a musical perspective so awful, just really, incredibly, mind blowingly awful, but like all the best examples of awful there's a brilliance at work here. The character he has created is intact throughout the album, so much so that I have to wonder how much of it is just this guy being himself.
The second Macho Man comes on and in his trade mark grumble informs the listener that "Now I'm spittin' Lyrics" you'll be rolling.
He introduces the concept of Rock and Roll being combined with hip hop as it if it were brand new, as if it wasn't already stale and cheezy when Kid Rock wrote "I take the hip hop, and mix it with the punk rock" in 1998 which was already 12 years after Run DMC and Aerosmith's "Walk This Way."
"Oh Yeah, I like that. A little Rock and Rooolllllll with a little hip-hop, oh yeah." Funny stuff, but again, totally in character, and speaking of Oh Yeah, has anyone else noticed that this guy is a total Kool-Aid Man rip off?
The highlight for me comes when we reach the sentimental track, a must for every hip hop album right? The music goes all R. Kelly as The Macho (and really quite sensitive) Man sings a loving, dare I say almost romantic tribute to his fallen comrade, cocaine casualty Mr. Perfect.
Also amazing is that DJ Kool does a guest spot. Well, DJ Kool hasn't had much work this decade, I guess it's not that surprising that he'd accept pretty much any gig offered. Having givin' us one of the all time great hip hop anthems (1996's Let Me Clear My Throat) though, I hope he chuckled all the way to the bank at the thought of guesting on Macho Man's rap album. Of course this is far from the first time a professional wrestler has ventured into a recording studio. 1985's The Wrestling Album has some great tracks. Macho Man, while featured, was not given a track of his own; A travesty that his momentous talent should have been overlooked. Click Here for free mp3 downloads from The Wrestling Album.
And none of Macho Man's tracks come anywhere even close to being the worst song by a celebrity turned rap act. That dubious distinction goes to The Chicago Bears whose seven minute monstrosity The Superbowl Shuffle helped make 1985 a benchmark year for awful music. (The runner up would have to be 1987's City of Crime, with Dan Ackroyd and Tom Hanks rapping to promote their terrible Dragnet movie.)
Now, I got to get this thing ready to go out with the morning mail. I want this beauty in Brett's CD player as soon as possible. I'll leave you with a sample of the amazing lyrics, the ones that Macho Man spits:
Huh Hulk Hogan, Hollywood Hulkster whatever they call you, I'm coming after you, you coward
[VERSE I] Hot diggity damn Hulk I'm glad you set it off (set if off) Used to be hard Hulk now ya done turned soft Doin' telephone commercials I seen ya Dancin' in tights as a ballerina I knew all along you had those tendencies Cuz you've been runnin' from Macho like I got a disease Dude please your pay per view event was a joke You're avoidin' Randy Savage cuz you know you'll get smoked Come on that phony fight the Rock spanked you fast But when I challenged Hogan to a real fight he passed I called him out but the punk was scared to go It was a charity event but the Hulk didn't show Hollywood Hulkster you're at the end of your rope And I'm a kick ya in the butt and wash your mouth out with soap Cuz like Rodney Dangerfield you gets' no respect So come on Hulk let's wreck so I can put you in check
[CHORUS] Be a man Hulk Come on don't be scared Your runnin' from Macho that's what I heard
Be a man Hogan Come on don't be a chump I never thought Hulk would go out like a punk
Be a man Hulk Come on don't be scared You're runnin' from Macho that's what I heard
Be a man Hogan Boy you's a chump Cuz Hulk Hogan is a real big punk
[VERSE II] They call you Hollywood (huh, huh) don't make me laugh Cuz your movies and your actin' skills are both trash Your movies straight to video, the box office can't stand While I got myself a feature role in Spider Man Ya hidin' man but when I find you it's on And when I slam ya to the dirt you'll wish you's never born I smell a coward mmmm is that you Hogan Macho's gonna kick ya butt is the slogan You try to ignore me thinkin' I'll go away But I'm a keep on messin' wit ya dude day after day And once you step to Macho, you're through The joke's on you so Hulk what you gonna do Probably nothing cuz you're a real big punk You called my dad up on the phone, man you's a chump Cuz if you really got static take it up with me And I'll punk ya butt out for the world to see
Brett found the worse thing the world has every seen. A small plastic statue of a child, on a toilet, clutching t.p. in his (or her) hand, shedding a big tear as the water in the toilet mysteriously foams over. On the back of the toilet was a slot to insert coins. Yes, it was a bank.
Being a true friend he bought this item for Keith and presented it as a gift.
Keith had to retaliate. Much like the proliferation of Nuclear weapons throughout the world Brett and Keith's little game spun out of control. Please enjoy this blog dedicated to the truly awful things we've given each other over the years.
Many of the items will be for sale, as we need room in our homes for, well, you know, more awful stuff.
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Donations We're not ALL about the money, more like MOSTLY about the money. So please, help us afford more awful stuff.
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As a child I was rotten and I foolishly believed I could escape the "some day you will end up with a kid just like you" maternal hex by simply not breeding.
SeaMonkeyGeek.com
