Monday, December 17, 2007

Two Ginger Bread Girls, One Cup...

and one happy gingerbread man.

Thanks to K.M. Meenie for bringing this to our attention. Apparently Nik from Kill Everything was doing a bit of Christmas shopping when he spotted this little gem.

The more you look at it the more wrong it is. There was no price tag but Nik knows a good thing when he sees one and so he made for the register with his treasure ready to pay any price.

The cashier, no doubt full of holiday cheer, and those of you who've worked retail during the holidays know what a cheery thing that is with the pushy customers and Hall and Oats' version of Jingle Bell Rock blastin' all day, ack, gives me flashbacks just thinking about, anyway this cashier grabs two similar items and goes with the lowest price, Fifty Cents! My God! It's like scoring the Mona Lisa for a nickel.

One ginger stud enjoys a bit of erotic food play with a couple of hot ginger chicas and he's might happy about it. Look at how damn happy he is about it. That is one happy, gingerbread man.

Of course, this might be three ladies. Once a ginger person is naked they're pretty androgynous, unless my cousin Thomas the pervert is baking them but I don't think they let him bake where he is.

This looks like a mass produced item, and I gotta tell you, I want one. If anyone out there can find us one for our collection it will be a Merry Christmas indeed.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Court Case Aerosol Spray

Johny law got ya down?

Were you arrested for crossing state lines in a stolen car with 14 pounds of marijuana and an unlicensed hand gun.....

I know it may seem hopeless my friend but there is an answer.

Farmacia Million Dollar's staff of "aerosol espiritual" experts have put the scent back in innocent. One whiff and the judge will say "that smells like a free man."


I found this little gem a few weeks back in a downtown Los Angeles farmacia. Our beloved court case spray was nestled in with uneven rows of aerosols claiming to do everything from remove curses to make your man submit to you.

Sorry Keith I know you go on trial next week for pressing your butt checks to the tinted windows of a gubernatorial motorcade but the USPS forbids sending aerosol cans through the mail so you will have to try and to get by on your charm and good looks.

In other words; I'll come see you in jail.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Dirty Words Only

Who could even attempt to argue with me when I say that NWA is one of the best hip hop acts of all time? I mean, hell, we got EZ-E, Dre and Ice Cube all from this one band.
So, what I present now will be truly awful to some, but it's truly wonderful to me, and quite hilarious as well.

Some fine fellow took the now legendary Straight Outta Compton and edited out everything but the words that would earn it it's "Explicit Content" label.

If you're an immature simp like I am you will delight in hearing the amazing string of obscenities without any of those pesky polite words getting in your way.

Click here to enjoy it for yourself.

And do check back soon. Coming up: Boiled Peanuts, 5o Year Old Biscuits and some Aerosol madness.

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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Worst Halloween Costumes from RetroCrush.com

Our buddy Robert at Retrocrush has up a great collection of awful costumes of the sort the less fortunate kids had to wear when I was growing up in the 70s.

I've picked my three favorites here, but there're plenty more worth checking out at RetroCrush.com

First up, The Leather Man from the Village People. I was so innocent when The Village People first appeared. It never once occurred to me that they were gay. What could possibly be gay about cops and sailors and cowboys and Indians and construction guys and... um... leather men?

I can't imagine any kid wanting to be Tattoo from Fantasy Island. Of course, I can't imagine Tattoo wearing a tux with his own picture on it either. How bad is a costume when it needs to announce in print what it is?

For the record my mom made us great costumes from scratch and would never send us out in one of these plastic jobbies. She seemed to view it as child abuse to let a kid be seen in one of these. If only we'd known they'd someday be collector's items.
My favorite costumes made for me by mom: Ghostbuster (not Sexy Ghostbuster, just Ghostbuster) Cowardly Lion (won some contests with that one) and my favorite- DEVO (my mom didn't realize that once I got to school I would use Vaseline to make my hair look plastic. Getting Vaseline out of long 70's hair = no fun.)

The Asteroids costume just begged for abuse, after all, what is the object of the video game? Shoot the asteroids. And in my neighborhood rubber band guns were ALMOST as popular as video games. Come to think of it, BB guns were fairly common as well.

These cheap plastic costumes seem to have disappeared in this country. I wonder if you can still find 'em anywhere? I'd love to be myself some Halloween, with a plastic mask of me and a plastic costume with my own face and name printed on it.

Happy Halloween everyone. And thanks RetroCrush for continuing to be such a great source of awfulness from the past.

Friday, October 26, 2007

PB&J M.R.E.

Often as I am walking down the street with my girlfriend I am met with looks that say "how did this happen..... How did an unwashed little troll land such a gorgeous creature?"

It has been said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I find the afore mentioned path in women leads in to their pants.
Christy has yet to notice the vast disparity in our physical appearance because she is so distracted by the treats I arrange on her plate, today's lunch for expample; a seitan "meat" loaf sandwich on toasted handmade whole wheat bread with pan fried artichokes cooked in garlic infused olive oil and a baby kiwi salad. That's what she is eating, I however am eating a 7 year old peanut butter and jelly pocket.
A few weeks back Keith gifted me a M.R.E. (military issue Meal Ready To Eat) and I have to admit I was pleased that I would not have to find shelf space for this latest installment of awful. The simpatico of being handed some crap and actually processing it into crap really appealed to me, but now faced with actually eating the thing I have to admit I am a bit horrified.

Round 1
Ergo Drink; Fruit Punch Flavor

I love that it is "intended to improve endurance" . Way to set the bar low.

This wasn't bad, kinda tasted like fruit punch, but honestly how hard do you have to work to blow powdered sugar water.

Round 2
Fortified Cran-Raspberry Hooah Bar

This seemed to be the most sinister of the food items. While I have never eaten a peanut butter and jelly pocket before, I am pretty clear on what it is. What the hell is a hooah?

To me it sounds like a childish reference to female genitalia and adding the word fortified evokes images of mid evil chastity devices. Toss hybridized fruit in to the mix and press it in to bar form... well you can see why I was concerned. Truth is it was actually pretty good. It was a bit work to chew the leathery mass of fruit but thankfully I had my Ergo Drink intending to help me persist.

Round 3
Peanut Butter & Jelly Pocket

Printed on the label are the words "June 2000". This scares the hell out of me. Is this the date it was made or the date it expired?

This thing was made or went bad when I was in my 20's. I decide to let Syd check it out and as soon as he gets near it he tears a chunk out of the side and begins devouring it ravenously. This makes me feel a bit better until I consider that you don't get to be a 23 pound cat by being a picky eater and that my 7 year old sandwich was now covered in cat drool.




Let me state for the record that is about the worst thing I have ever eaten. The peanut butter was dry and chalky and the jelly had retreated in to the bread giving it the texture of a freshly used kleenex.

mmmmmm............ just like mom used to make, if she hated you

Round 4
Shortbread Cookie

I have an affinity for short bread cookies and its not the fancy ones I like either. So you can only imagine my delight as I wrestled one of my favorite gas station treats form the drab brown wrapper.

Tragically the years had been hard on these poor cookies and nearly a decade of standing ready to assist in the defense of our nation had reduced them to dust.

Nothing a little American ingenuity wouldn't fix



God Bless America!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Sexy Freddy

The Onion has a great graphic of The Top Halloween Costumes for women 18-34. Sexy French Maid, Sexy Cat, etc. Funny stuff and so spot on. When I saw the ad for a sexy Freddy costume I realized that real life is even more ridiculous than The Onion's parody. My god, it had to be a joke, right?

Nope. Further investigation revealed it to be true. As if anyone needed or wanted a sexed up Freddy. What's next, Sexy Garden Slug? This is NOT a case of two great tastes that taste great together.

I was messed up plenty by having to come to terms with Sexy Bugs Bunny when I was a kid. Yeah, that rabbit could be quite alluring in drag. What will happen to today's impressionable young minds when they have to confront a sexually appealing Freddy Krueger?

I immediately went about searching buycostumes.com to see what other ridiculousness I'd find there. (Yeah, I always have good "research" excuses when I'm looking at busty women in skimpy outfits online.)

I found sexy versions of children's fairy tails, sexy Indians (always modeled by Caucasian ladies) and sexy cop complimented by sexy corrupt cop. It's like the Onion gag was used as inspiration.

Now the only thing I want cruelly thrust into my already bizarre sexual ID less than Freddy Krueger is perhaps Bill Murray. But, there it is. The sexy Ghost Buster: NOOOOOO! Make it stop! And why is Nicole Richey modeling for a costume website? Has the pregnancy lowered her marketability that much?

Of course, the silver lining to this acid rain cloud is the fact that I can buy one of these little outfits for Brett and make him wear it.

Ah Halloween, you shall remain my favorite holiday after all.

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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Osama-rama

What? And you thought that we Americans, with our Ayatollah is an Ass-a-hola t-shirts, our "Fuck Justice, I want Revenge" bumper stickers and our patriotic doggy chew toys, had a monopoly on this kind of tackiness. No way.

This first small lighter with Osama's image in raised chrome and a little diagram of the impending attack gets even better (or worse) when you open the lid. Yes, the red spot marking the planes contact point with the building lights up. At this point you've got some seriously world class awful, but we're not done yet. The thing plays a loud, electronic loop of Mozart! Read more about it here.

Of course, we need a coffee table version of the Osama lighter. What stylish hideout would be complete with out this? You would expect that the buildings would burst into flames to light your cigar, but no, Osama's head actually catches on fire leading me to wonder just who the target audience is for this one. Read more about it here.









Now of course, lighters are not the only item catering to the Osama as hero market. In fact he's been given an honor that I've previously seen bestowed upon Santa Clause and James Brown. Yes, he has his own singing and dancing Osama doll.
I would do most anything to know the lyrics to the song it sings.

The next time China complains about our friendliness with the Dalai Lama we should ask about this little gem which was made in China, presumably in a state run factory. But they also make a singing, dancing American bomb squad hero doll so it all balances out yeah?





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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Truly Awful Google Searches

The following are terms that, when googled, have landed people at our page...

monkey bar sex position (I like Monkeys. I like sex. This sounds win/win)
Why Mommy Is a Democrat
every sex position in the world (Every position?! Even Monkey Bar?)
clock penis ( we're #1 for Clock Penis)
sex position course (higher learning at it's highest?)
Sexual Positions pictures
sexual positions the game (beats pictionary hands down (and legs up, knees bent, wrists just so, back arched this way))
wishing well store (I doubt the store is very happy that we come up on the 1st Page)
wishing well stores, Sacramento (even further up on 1st page)
Testicals In Mouth (I was most surprised to discover that we’re number THREE for testicals in mouth!!)

Update October 17, 2007

awful hygiene India
awful sex gifts (Awful sex is the gift that keeps on giving)
penis clock (#2)
clock with penis hands (I should really see about going into the penis clock business)
sex position- dragon turn (Not in the book)

Update October 18, 2007
penis+alarm clock (Every day, some variation)
missionary sex position pictures (I hope they found what they were looking for on this here educational site)
testical toys (Wow, we're on the first page!)
sex position pyramid (We're #1 for Sex Position Pyramid!)
fried bull testicals (We're #1 for Fried Bull Testicals!)

Update October 22, 2007
sexual positions for older folks (I picture a cute old couple searching together on date night (much more fun than prune night). I sure hope they didn't attempt the pyramid)
putting testicals in ass (We're number one AND number two on this one. Um, I guess I'm proud)

Update October 23, 2007
kids cocktails (This may frighten me more than any other search)
sexy ghostbuster costume
sexy freddy costume
(so glad we could be of service)
missionary versus rear entry position (in the battle of the century)
awful sex (that's my favorite kind too)
easy sexual positions (talk about lazy)

Update October 25, 2007
the awful penis (from a foreign language google site, foreign to me I mean)
pictures rabbit +testicals (actually a Yahoo search this time, I do hope they found what they found what they were needing)

Update October 26, 2007
buildings with sex position statues (I don't know either)
sex positions for shy people (This may be the custest of all the searches)
how to fuck up your testicals (I hope we were able to help)
sex positions on a bus (aka sex position for not shy people)
fellatio around the world (YAY)

Update October 27, 2007
testicals I heart you photo (???)
dog toy penis (don't encourage your dog to view that shape as good for chewing)
sex positions with people (yeah, I guess that is a good qualification)
unicorn sex position (YES!!!!)

Update November 2, 2007
peanut butter and testicals (we're #2, #1 is connectingsingles.com, what do you like on your toast?)
hillary Clinton Pezz Dispensor (you've got your testical in peanut butter, you've got your peanut butter on my testical... mmmmmm!)
space monkey sex position dolls (that just rules)
rope and teticals (So now it's this list of searches that's turning up in strange searches)
monkey statue penis (today is all about random combinations of words)
colonoscopy erotic (I've had one and erotic it was not)
dog scarf (not so strange but fun to say, dog scarf, yeah, I like that, I think I'll name my first kid that, Dog Scarf Jensen)

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Clown Beer Club Sign

Behold I give you the holy grail......

I recently moved from Hollywood to downtown LA, which you may or might know is the epicenter of crap for North America. One block from my new home is the historic Toy District where from cramped booths merchants peddle everything from truck mud flaps to religious themed figurines. No lie I bought a wallet made from "genuine Indian leather"(just think about it for a second.)

There is no shortage of real gems in the Toy District however I do believe I have found the apex of awful in the Beer Club neon clown sign. What in the high holy hell kind of club would you find this sign hanging in? Clown bar? A Pub catering to alcoholic 7 year olds?

I looked at the clown longer, and when I started to feel like he was flirting with me I decided it was time to go home. I mean, if he still feels the same later, when he's sober, we can talk.

So is this beauty going to be hanging in the Jensen rumpus room?....

I would have normally, sadly thought No. With it's price tag of $190 it is a bit out of my usual range, however it does occur to me that Mr. Jensen and his lovely (and evil) girlfriend Bryna have a wedding coming up. Such an occasion does require something special. Hmmmm?

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Deep Fried Bull Balls

Roughly half way between Sacramento and Los Angeles is a place I and many others refer to as "Cowshawitz".

From the eastern side of the freeway stretches out an expanse of dark brush free earth, steal fences and thousands of head of cattle. The sight of these animals is enough to make even the most avid of meat eaters consider a salad for lunch.

The most striking thing about this stretch of the I-5 freeway is the smell. If you have traveled this sprawling interstate more then once you learn to roll up your windows and close your vents long before you reach Coalinga (the home of Cowshawitz).

Nestled in to the cloud of bovine fecal dust is the Harris Ranch Steak House, and where Keith and Bryna decided to stop on there most recent trip to the southland. Do they pick me up a fine cut of beef? Why no; They bring me a plastic container filled with deep fried bull testicals artfully laid out on a bed of lettuce.

For the record I had never envisioned putting testicals in my mouth for any reason other then ensuring my safety in lock up but in my mouth they went.
What do deep fried bull balls, aka Prarie Oysters, taste like? Well they taste like pretty much anything you deep fry.

Would I have them again? No not because eating genitals is disgusting but rather because to this day my girlfriend has a hard time kissing me.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Hands Bikini

Christy Lynn sends this bit o' awful. Christy writes: "Not sure if this qualifies as Truly Awful, but it is scary!"
Um, how can you possible doubt the truly awfulness of this? In fact, with this on the site we should go register the URL www.trulytrulytrulyawfulstuff.com. Thanks.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Hit me baby one more time

Click image to enlarge
"Hit me baby one more time." sings the tinny voice out of the far too small speaker as the boxing glove clad hands piston in and out followed by the almost but not quite rhythmic side to side movement of the head.

"HIT ME baby one more time!" What a
great jingle for domestic violence I think to myself and contemplate taking the plush green frog up on her offer.

This is by far the most insidious of all the gifts given to me by Keith not simply because it is so horrid but because it is also irresistible. Everyone who walks past it can not resist bringing this fuzzy green monstrosity to life.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Dog Scarf

click pic to enlarge
Another submission from one of you lovely people. We live to feature your awful. Thanks. And note, a dog in a scarf alone wouldn't qualify, but the loops around the front legs make this truly awful.

"LOVE LOVE LOVE your site. I think you could do a photo shoot in my house and have material for a year, for I too am a connoisseur of the awful, the horrid, the unexplainably atrocious, and I have a neon multi-colored nightgown Ala Mrs. Roper to prove it!

Today however, I leave you this little tid-bit I found while perusing the handmade art and crafts site known as Etsy.com. While many artists produce some stunning works, others well, have some strange ideas about what should exist, in crochet, no less.
Attached is evidence of canine abuse, so look only if you've a heart of stone. No animal should have to suffer this way. His stoic expression is merely a facade for his deep shame and mortification.

Cheers! And keep up the awesome work on the site, I luurves it!

Jenna-Talia on your myspace"

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Unicorn Magic


It's a clock! It's a mirror! It's a psychedelic unicorn light show, and you know that's groovey baby. Brett presented this to me on my most recent visit to LA. We had it plugged in and hanging in the tree durring our bbq. The same bbq where Brett ate deep fried, bbq'd bull testicals. That story is coming soon.
Here you see the beautiful unicorn clock posed along side the Anatomically Correct Pegacorn Clock, another of Brett's wonderful gifts.
Notice this awesome unicorn image is repeated FIVE TIMES on this one clock. Also note the entire surface is one smooth piece of glass. This baby was just made for snortin' big ol' lines off of before heading to the neighbors hot tubbin' key party.
Here's the worst youtube video ever. Enjoy.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Happy Fourth Of July

Plenty of fun items for celebrating your fervent patriotism. First up are these enemies of America doggie chew ties. Let Fido do what our leaders and soldiers cannot.


This conservative blog where I found them doesn't necessarily think these are awful and he gives the largest amount of space to the greatest enemy of America, Hillary Clinton! good stuff.



For the more liberal amongst us we can celebrate the modern face of America, happily, with this PATRIOTIC PI√ĎATA. The best thing about it is that it was most likely made in Taiwan. You can purchase it through the "Oriental Trading Company."



And lastly, a big eyed kid statue. I love me a big eyed kid statue. Look at the cute li'l guy. He can't wait to pass some bullets through a cute li'l Iraqi (or Korean, or Iranian, or, ah never mind, I'll be here all day.)

Happy fourth everybody.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

A Kid's Eye View of O'Reily For Kids

Click here to read our original post about the awful idea that is an O'Reilly Book for kids.
Now watch the video to hear an actual kid who has read the book use it to make O'Reilly look quite the fool on his own show.



Click here for our post on the Awful book Why Mommy Is A Democrat.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Erotic Sexual Positions from Around The World

The following post contains illustrations of naked people doing fun stuff and some people frown on such. If you're one of them, or in an environment where "they" are likely to be lurking, you may not want to scroll down.

I implore you, click on the images to enlarge!

So, it happened like this. Bryna and I were on an epic road trip around the US. Across the southern states, up the east coast, around New England. There was to be more, but my bus blew up. That's not important now.

What is important is that early on in the trip we did make it to New Mexico and we found a tiny hole-in-the-wall bar where three employees of the local school district (two bus drivers, one janitor) sat talking about giving the kids the smacks they deserved and teasing the one amongst them who would apparently be getting laid that night.

I was amazed and dismayed to discover he'd be getting laid because he was on a date, right then, at that moment. A shy, portly woman sat two bar stools removed from the giggling trio, watching them, looking away when ever anything lascivious was said. She was going to put out after a date like this? Wow! Poor lady.

Bryna and I had a couple of cold beers and played a round of pool. I went to use the restroom and that's when I discovered... The Vending Machines. They had the usual goodies, cock ring, glow in the dark condoms, etc. but there was another machine offering a book; Erotic Sexual Positions From Around The World.

Returning to Bryna and our game and our insane people watching, I mentioned the machines. She of course had to see them for herself. So, there we were in the men's bathroom together, which I was hoping wasn't a capitol offense in this state. Bryna bought everything she could, bitching all the while that the women's room did not have any of this cool stuff.

We got back to our pool playing and later that night, in the privacy of our Volkswagen Bus, with the curtains drawn, we fell in love with books all over again and with each other as well.

The dedication on page one promised we were about to become more worldly lovers. Our fingers shaking with excitement we turned the page.

Kissing with your tongue is French. Hell, we didn't need to spend 75 cents to find that out. But the next page let us know that "Genital and Breast Fondling From The Rear" originated in the Amazon. I had no idea! But of course it made sense.

Next up, from the arctic was, well the page wasn't cut right so we lost the title, but the picture told us all we needed to know about how to stay warm in the great white north.

Next our tour took us to Rome where we learned about "V Fellatio." I felt like playing gladiator right then and there, but Bryna insisted we keep reading.

We're back to France for good ol' 69. God Bless the French. And while it originated from France it's the Latin folks who really love this number, to the point of substituting it for sex (either to avoid pregnancy or to stay in the Pope's favor I assume.)

Missionary Position is not credited to anyone people, but it's the feminists apparently who are responsible for it's decline.

I was relieved. I was sure America was going to get stuck with this oldie somehow.

Eighteenth Century England contributed the "Doggie" position, one of a series of "fun positions." It makes sense that all that bad dentistry would result in a non-face to face position (sorry, it was too easy, I couldn't resist.)

Bryna and I both have freewheeling Scandinavian ancestry and we swelled with pride (honest, that's what it was) upon discovering that our lusty, experimental grandparents may have helped invent the "Backward Jockey Position." Thanks Grams and Grampy for giving the world "the ultimate 'turn on.' "

Things start getting a bit crazy when cross into the orient. Those Chinese and their crazy, sexy love of precision and balance, what will they think of next.

The bad shocks of a VW Bus were likely to be a poor substitute for swaying of camels, though the smell would have been slightly better I'm guessing.
We continued on past Arabia.



The Pyramid, of course came from Egypt.


I'd already experimented with "The King Tut" (a prize to anyone willing to illustrate that one) but The Pyramid looked like a lot more fun.


The Wheelbarrow it would seem needs no comment.

I decided it came from The US of A.

I just know this to be true in my heart of hearts.

A patriotic tear forms in my eye just looking at this loving American couple.



I hadn't realized that prisoners of war were forced to give up their sex secrets until I read about the Supported Front Position Entry learned from captured Japanese prints.

"Yes, yes, you have nifty weapons, you're planning an attack on the White House, yada yada yada, that's all very well, but tell us, where are your naughty prints. We must know more about your sexual positions.
Tell us or it'll be more hot wax, I mean, unless you're into that, in which case, NO MORE HOT WAX."


If you thought India was only good for Tech Support, you haven't heard about it's nick name; "The Mother of Erotica."


While every other position pictured in this little book is likely found in the Kama Sutra it is the comparatively tame Standing Wrap Around that put India on the map, or maybe it was Hindustan that it put on the map, but either way it looks like lots of fun, and they have really good food to so they're okay with me.


The Basques of Spain, when their not fighting their separatist war, are busy doin' it standing, front to front.


Sorry Basques, it's not that I'm not sympathetic to your cause but this just a total rip off. It's clearly just the missionary position turned sideways.


And speaking of rip offs, the Greeks give us the standing rear entry position aka as the doggie position standing. Sheesh.



Of course we all know what the Greeks really contributed but this book was racy enough for New Mexico already.


Whew! That's one hell of a trip around the world and through history as well. We've never yet run into this particular booklet again, nor any of the erotic best sellers that were to follow it, but we keep our eyes open.



I'll have to ask Bryna if the vending machines in the women's room have improved any. I figure at the least they should have some candy machines. If you're buying the feminine hygiene products they sell chances are you're going to also want some candy, yes?
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