Merry Twisted Christmas

Truly, truly, truly AWFUL


And if that wasn't bad enough, try getting through this one...

Hookers, A Great Gift Idea

Seeing the front of this pack of Hookers you might think, "Alright Keith, you are soooo immature, they are just hooks for carrying your skis. Grow up already."
And I could hear you saying that (you condescending bastard) but I AM immature and so could not resist taking a better look whilst giggling to myself "Tee hee, hookers, tee hee, it says hookers."

Take a peek at the BACK Side of this nice little package and then tell me that someone, somewhere along the line did not know damn well what they were doing!!!

MAKE IT EASY WITH HOOKERS!
And there's one sexy little ski bunny, who probably had no idea that she was filling that sweater in order to appear along side such text. "A Great Gift Idea" indeed. "TEE HEE" INDEED!!!

Now then, please go back and reread this post so you can giggle at me telling you to look at the backside of the Hookers. Teee heee. I even made reference to the Hookers' nice package! BWA HA HA HA! Okay, so maybe I am a bit immature, just a bit. Hookers!

The Worst Toy Ever?

Before you read any further, click the above graphic and read this amazing ad.
You're back? WOW! Wild eh? And yes, it is real. "Don't worry, this is New York. Nobody will help her." Great stuff.

What kid wouldn't want his own little torture chamber? There were eight "Monster Scenes" sets including one titled "The Pain Parlor." The most shocking and most important is of course, "The Victim"
What can you say about a company that sells to kids with a tag line like "Rated X... for Exitement?"
So how the hell did Aurora get away with this one? Well, they didn't; not for long...

"Massive protests against the kits came from religious publications and general newspapers, since they all thought that it promoted sex and sadism among children. All the negative publicity led to an immediate stop of production for these kits in May 1971, by the company which now had new owners: Nabisco Inc.
The kits remaining on the toy store shelves led to new protests in November, this time outside Nabisco's headquarters in New York. These protests held by groups as: Parents for Responsibility in the Toy Industry, and National Organization for Women, resulted in a recall of the Monster Scenes kits from store shelves in the U.S."

Thank you to our pals at Retrocrush.com for this. Be sure to check out all their great Halloween posts.

Ed Harris Sings

The new Ed Harris directed Apaloosa misses. It isn't a truly awful movie its just not very good. But the song he wrote and recorded for the movie, my god, is it a hilariously bad stinker.
"Acting so darn loose, screwing who you want to, and beleiving your excuse...
but when the day does come when you and I depart, you'll be the one whose leaving 'cause you'll never leave my heart."
Wow. He should try professional wrestling next.

Bacon Is a Vegetable

I'm the only vegetarian in my workplace. As a result I'm offered hamburgers or fried chicken daily. Friends, I can assure you, on behalf of a all vegetarians everywhere; keep it up. That joke NEVER gets old. We may not laugh, not wanting to give you the satisfaction, but we're crackin' up on the inside, for real.

I came in the other day to find this sticker affixed to my desk. Okay, I will confess, this is funny. Especially with the smiling pig head for an O. A quick google search determined that this came from www.dieselsweeties.com and is available in a t-shirt. I may have to buy that t-shirt. Or, I may have to pretend it offends me so that some jerk buys it for me. Thanks jerks. :)

Armor of God PJs

I don't know what more I could say about these beautiful little crusaders?
I hope our lovely readers don't mind all the religious stuff lately, but with this election going on and Bill Maher's Religulous in theaters and wonderful things like the Armor Of God PJs out there how can we help ourselves?

Jihad This

My goodness, has it really been since April 1st that we posted? Damn, Brett really sucks.

We have to come back with something really strong of course which is why I was so glad when Heckasac posted this little number.

It says so much so simply. It is America summed up in one image and two words and stuck on a button. I love it.

I found it for sale at RepublicanMarket.com (of course I did) and I had no choice but to immediately order a gross.

Ah Holy War, aint it a kick in the pants? The first eagle's I saw after 9-11 were all shedding the singly glossy tear. Now they're done crying and they aint gonna take no more shit!

This lovely product reminds me of my childhood, when I could actually win a "Kill a Commie for your Mommy" painted mirror at the county fair, or at least most kids could. I was terrible at ALL fair games, even the easy ones with the shitty prizes that were put there to keep hope alive.

Another item that comes to mind is the great "Ayatollah is an Assahola" bumper stickers. My father, pinko liberal that he is, once asked our neighborhood Ice Cream man to reconsider whether that sticker really belonged on an ice cream truck next to the add for Push Up Pops.

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Vitamin P

Like all good children's entertainers I am a chronic insomniac, so much of my nights are spent knitting, reenacting the civil war and of course watching lots of late night infomercials.

One of my favorites is late night heath quack Dr. Syd. The good doctor has given us some real gems such as super green algae tooth paste and Scrub-O's the colon cleansing cereal. My little friend in the box is peddling a new health aid, vitamin P.

As Americans we have gotten so far from the land that we are forced to supplement the vitamin content of our food, pack ourselves in to gyms to simulate the labor we no longer do, we even buy light bulbs to replace the sunlight that we don't get enough of. So is it really a stretch to say we aren't getting enough bacteria in our diets? What better bacteria could there be than that found in the guts of those super digesters the New Guinea shrew. The New Guinea shrew will eat their body weight every day and yet never get fat. Amazing! You can drop pounds while watching Dr. Syd's infomercials from the comfort of your couch by simply ingesting shrew droppings. A better you with the power of poo!

Larry The Cable Guy Chocolates

Well Valentines is upon us and that can only mean one thing......

Yes you guessed it cheap waxy chocolates in a heart shaped box bearing the face of Americas favorite one joke comedian.
To me the tag line "Git-R-Done" in the context of Valentines conjures images of trailer park sex where phrases like "Daddy's home" and "pass the Cheetos, this gonna take a spell" serve as pillow talk and foreplay consists of unscrewing the Vaseline.

My little Valentine made a special trip to Walmart to ensure that we at Truly Awful could send you all a special Valentines greeting .

thank you Christy ....

I love you

and yes there is petroleum jelly in your future.

Pee & Poo Plush Toys

FINALLY!!!!!
Kids love plush toys and they love pee and poo..... like chocolate and peanut butter these two things where just destined to wind up in the same box (Oh shut it! You know what I mean.)
But it is so much more then just stuffed toys. The Pee & Poo line includes T-shirts, socks, key chains and of course underwear.
Hey folks Valentines day is coming and everyone knows red hearts are so passe. Why not let your sweetie know how you feel with a love poem scribbled under a stinky rainbow .
Do not believe for even one second that I think of Pee & Poo as awful! I adore them and you can rest assured that if I have anything to say about it all of my nieces and nephews will drift off to dream land with finger paint stained digits clasped firmly around the fuzzy waste product of their choice.

Explore the world of Pee and Poo for yourself and send a Pee and Poo e-card by visiting: www.peeandpoo.com

Raw Female

Robert Berry at Retrocrush.com found some Raw Female. Anyone have any good recipes! I've no idea how to cook this stuff. The Natural Foods Co-op where this chick is being sold also carries intelligence, patience, arousal, all in convenient pill form. Sheesh. Try a little skepticism ya new age freaks.

Cheeseburger In A Can

I found this via Liv Moe's blog. It is now my mission in life to have Brett eat one. The product is available from this German site and is apparently marketed for campers. Why do I get the feeling it doesn't come out of the can looking like the picture? Anybody speak German? I've got to find the contact information and get one sent to a certain garden gnome in Los Angeles.