Friday, October 26, 2007


Often as I am walking down the street with my girlfriend I am met with looks that say "how did this happen..... How did an unwashed little troll land such a gorgeous creature?"

It has been said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I find the afore mentioned path in women leads in to their pants.
Christy has yet to notice the vast disparity in our physical appearance because she is so distracted by the treats I arrange on her plate, today's lunch for expample; a seitan "meat" loaf sandwich on toasted handmade whole wheat bread with pan fried artichokes cooked in garlic infused olive oil and a baby kiwi salad. That's what she is eating, I however am eating a 7 year old peanut butter and jelly pocket.
A few weeks back Keith gifted me a M.R.E. (military issue Meal Ready To Eat) and I have to admit I was pleased that I would not have to find shelf space for this latest installment of awful. The simpatico of being handed some crap and actually processing it into crap really appealed to me, but now faced with actually eating the thing I have to admit I am a bit horrified.

Round 1
Ergo Drink; Fruit Punch Flavor

I love that it is "intended to improve endurance" . Way to set the bar low.

This wasn't bad, kinda tasted like fruit punch, but honestly how hard do you have to work to blow powdered sugar water.

Round 2
Fortified Cran-Raspberry Hooah Bar

This seemed to be the most sinister of the food items. While I have never eaten a peanut butter and jelly pocket before, I am pretty clear on what it is. What the hell is a hooah?

To me it sounds like a childish reference to female genitalia and adding the word fortified evokes images of mid evil chastity devices. Toss hybridized fruit in to the mix and press it in to bar form... well you can see why I was concerned. Truth is it was actually pretty good. It was a bit work to chew the leathery mass of fruit but thankfully I had my Ergo Drink intending to help me persist.

Round 3
Peanut Butter & Jelly Pocket

Printed on the label are the words "June 2000". This scares the hell out of me. Is this the date it was made or the date it expired?

This thing was made or went bad when I was in my 20's. I decide to let Syd check it out and as soon as he gets near it he tears a chunk out of the side and begins devouring it ravenously. This makes me feel a bit better until I consider that you don't get to be a 23 pound cat by being a picky eater and that my 7 year old sandwich was now covered in cat drool.

Let me state for the record that is about the worst thing I have ever eaten. The peanut butter was dry and chalky and the jelly had retreated in to the bread giving it the texture of a freshly used kleenex.

mmmmmm............ just like mom used to make, if she hated you

Round 4
Shortbread Cookie

I have an affinity for short bread cookies and its not the fancy ones I like either. So you can only imagine my delight as I wrestled one of my favorite gas station treats form the drab brown wrapper.

Tragically the years had been hard on these poor cookies and nearly a decade of standing ready to assist in the defense of our nation had reduced them to dust.

Nothing a little American ingenuity wouldn't fix

God Bless America!


Anonymous said...

too funny. Hooah bar?

john said...

Hooah is an Army term...not worth going into detail here. Wikipedia covers it fairly well. Have not seen a PB&J MRE, would be way happy to send you many of the other wonderful meals they feed us over here. Those Hooah bars come in even more wretched flavors...