Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Worst Halloween Costumes from

Our buddy Robert at Retrocrush has up a great collection of awful costumes of the sort the less fortunate kids had to wear when I was growing up in the 70s.

I've picked my three favorites here, but there're plenty more worth checking out at

First up, The Leather Man from the Village People. I was so innocent when The Village People first appeared. It never once occurred to me that they were gay. What could possibly be gay about cops and sailors and cowboys and Indians and construction guys and... um... leather men?

I can't imagine any kid wanting to be Tattoo from Fantasy Island. Of course, I can't imagine Tattoo wearing a tux with his own picture on it either. How bad is a costume when it needs to announce in print what it is?

For the record my mom made us great costumes from scratch and would never send us out in one of these plastic jobbies. She seemed to view it as child abuse to let a kid be seen in one of these. If only we'd known they'd someday be collector's items.
My favorite costumes made for me by mom: Ghostbuster (not Sexy Ghostbuster, just Ghostbuster) Cowardly Lion (won some contests with that one) and my favorite- DEVO (my mom didn't realize that once I got to school I would use Vaseline to make my hair look plastic. Getting Vaseline out of long 70's hair = no fun.)

The Asteroids costume just begged for abuse, after all, what is the object of the video game? Shoot the asteroids. And in my neighborhood rubber band guns were ALMOST as popular as video games. Come to think of it, BB guns were fairly common as well.

These cheap plastic costumes seem to have disappeared in this country. I wonder if you can still find 'em anywhere? I'd love to be myself some Halloween, with a plastic mask of me and a plastic costume with my own face and name printed on it.

Happy Halloween everyone. And thanks RetroCrush for continuing to be such a great source of awfulness from the past.

Friday, October 26, 2007


Often as I am walking down the street with my girlfriend I am met with looks that say "how did this happen..... How did an unwashed little troll land such a gorgeous creature?"

It has been said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I find the afore mentioned path in women leads in to their pants.
Christy has yet to notice the vast disparity in our physical appearance because she is so distracted by the treats I arrange on her plate, today's lunch for expample; a seitan "meat" loaf sandwich on toasted handmade whole wheat bread with pan fried artichokes cooked in garlic infused olive oil and a baby kiwi salad. That's what she is eating, I however am eating a 7 year old peanut butter and jelly pocket.
A few weeks back Keith gifted me a M.R.E. (military issue Meal Ready To Eat) and I have to admit I was pleased that I would not have to find shelf space for this latest installment of awful. The simpatico of being handed some crap and actually processing it into crap really appealed to me, but now faced with actually eating the thing I have to admit I am a bit horrified.

Round 1
Ergo Drink; Fruit Punch Flavor

I love that it is "intended to improve endurance" . Way to set the bar low.

This wasn't bad, kinda tasted like fruit punch, but honestly how hard do you have to work to blow powdered sugar water.

Round 2
Fortified Cran-Raspberry Hooah Bar

This seemed to be the most sinister of the food items. While I have never eaten a peanut butter and jelly pocket before, I am pretty clear on what it is. What the hell is a hooah?

To me it sounds like a childish reference to female genitalia and adding the word fortified evokes images of mid evil chastity devices. Toss hybridized fruit in to the mix and press it in to bar form... well you can see why I was concerned. Truth is it was actually pretty good. It was a bit work to chew the leathery mass of fruit but thankfully I had my Ergo Drink intending to help me persist.

Round 3
Peanut Butter & Jelly Pocket

Printed on the label are the words "June 2000". This scares the hell out of me. Is this the date it was made or the date it expired?

This thing was made or went bad when I was in my 20's. I decide to let Syd check it out and as soon as he gets near it he tears a chunk out of the side and begins devouring it ravenously. This makes me feel a bit better until I consider that you don't get to be a 23 pound cat by being a picky eater and that my 7 year old sandwich was now covered in cat drool.

Let me state for the record that is about the worst thing I have ever eaten. The peanut butter was dry and chalky and the jelly had retreated in to the bread giving it the texture of a freshly used kleenex.

mmmmmm............ just like mom used to make, if she hated you

Round 4
Shortbread Cookie

I have an affinity for short bread cookies and its not the fancy ones I like either. So you can only imagine my delight as I wrestled one of my favorite gas station treats form the drab brown wrapper.

Tragically the years had been hard on these poor cookies and nearly a decade of standing ready to assist in the defense of our nation had reduced them to dust.

Nothing a little American ingenuity wouldn't fix

God Bless America!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Sexy Freddy

The Onion has a great graphic of The Top Halloween Costumes for women 18-34. Sexy French Maid, Sexy Cat, etc. Funny stuff and so spot on. When I saw the ad for a sexy Freddy costume I realized that real life is even more ridiculous than The Onion's parody. My god, it had to be a joke, right?

Nope. Further investigation revealed it to be true. As if anyone needed or wanted a sexed up Freddy. What's next, Sexy Garden Slug? This is NOT a case of two great tastes that taste great together.

I was messed up plenty by having to come to terms with Sexy Bugs Bunny when I was a kid. Yeah, that rabbit could be quite alluring in drag. What will happen to today's impressionable young minds when they have to confront a sexually appealing Freddy Krueger?

I immediately went about searching to see what other ridiculousness I'd find there. (Yeah, I always have good "research" excuses when I'm looking at busty women in skimpy outfits online.)

I found sexy versions of children's fairy tails, sexy Indians (always modeled by Caucasian ladies) and sexy cop complimented by sexy corrupt cop. It's like the Onion gag was used as inspiration.

Now the only thing I want cruelly thrust into my already bizarre sexual ID less than Freddy Krueger is perhaps Bill Murray. But, there it is. The sexy Ghost Buster: NOOOOOO! Make it stop! And why is Nicole Richey modeling for a costume website? Has the pregnancy lowered her marketability that much?

Of course, the silver lining to this acid rain cloud is the fact that I can buy one of these little outfits for Brett and make him wear it.

Ah Halloween, you shall remain my favorite holiday after all.

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Wednesday, October 17, 2007


What? And you thought that we Americans, with our Ayatollah is an Ass-a-hola t-shirts, our "Fuck Justice, I want Revenge" bumper stickers and our patriotic doggy chew toys, had a monopoly on this kind of tackiness. No way.

This first small lighter with Osama's image in raised chrome and a little diagram of the impending attack gets even better (or worse) when you open the lid. Yes, the red spot marking the planes contact point with the building lights up. At this point you've got some seriously world class awful, but we're not done yet. The thing plays a loud, electronic loop of Mozart! Read more about it here.

Of course, we need a coffee table version of the Osama lighter. What stylish hideout would be complete with out this? You would expect that the buildings would burst into flames to light your cigar, but no, Osama's head actually catches on fire leading me to wonder just who the target audience is for this one. Read more about it here.

Now of course, lighters are not the only item catering to the Osama as hero market. In fact he's been given an honor that I've previously seen bestowed upon Santa Clause and James Brown. Yes, he has his own singing and dancing Osama doll.
I would do most anything to know the lyrics to the song it sings.

The next time China complains about our friendliness with the Dalai Lama we should ask about this little gem which was made in China, presumably in a state run factory. But they also make a singing, dancing American bomb squad hero doll so it all balances out yeah?


Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Truly Awful Google Searches

The following are terms that, when googled, have landed people at our page...

monkey bar sex position (I like Monkeys. I like sex. This sounds win/win)
Why Mommy Is a Democrat
every sex position in the world (Every position?! Even Monkey Bar?)
clock penis ( we're #1 for Clock Penis)
sex position course (higher learning at it's highest?)
Sexual Positions pictures
sexual positions the game (beats pictionary hands down (and legs up, knees bent, wrists just so, back arched this way))
wishing well store (I doubt the store is very happy that we come up on the 1st Page)
wishing well stores, Sacramento (even further up on 1st page)
Testicals In Mouth (I was most surprised to discover that we’re number THREE for testicals in mouth!!)

Update October 17, 2007

awful hygiene India
awful sex gifts (Awful sex is the gift that keeps on giving)
penis clock (#2)
clock with penis hands (I should really see about going into the penis clock business)
sex position- dragon turn (Not in the book)

Update October 18, 2007
penis+alarm clock (Every day, some variation)
missionary sex position pictures (I hope they found what they were looking for on this here educational site)
testical toys (Wow, we're on the first page!)
sex position pyramid (We're #1 for Sex Position Pyramid!)
fried bull testicals (We're #1 for Fried Bull Testicals!)

Update October 22, 2007
sexual positions for older folks (I picture a cute old couple searching together on date night (much more fun than prune night). I sure hope they didn't attempt the pyramid)
putting testicals in ass (We're number one AND number two on this one. Um, I guess I'm proud)

Update October 23, 2007
kids cocktails (This may frighten me more than any other search)
sexy ghostbuster costume
sexy freddy costume
(so glad we could be of service)
missionary versus rear entry position (in the battle of the century)
awful sex (that's my favorite kind too)
easy sexual positions (talk about lazy)

Update October 25, 2007
the awful penis (from a foreign language google site, foreign to me I mean)
pictures rabbit +testicals (actually a Yahoo search this time, I do hope they found what they found what they were needing)

Update October 26, 2007
buildings with sex position statues (I don't know either)
sex positions for shy people (This may be the custest of all the searches)
how to fuck up your testicals (I hope we were able to help)
sex positions on a bus (aka sex position for not shy people)
fellatio around the world (YAY)

Update October 27, 2007
testicals I heart you photo (???)
dog toy penis (don't encourage your dog to view that shape as good for chewing)
sex positions with people (yeah, I guess that is a good qualification)
unicorn sex position (YES!!!!)

Update November 2, 2007
peanut butter and testicals (we're #2, #1 is, what do you like on your toast?)
hillary Clinton Pezz Dispensor (you've got your testical in peanut butter, you've got your peanut butter on my testical... mmmmmm!)
space monkey sex position dolls (that just rules)
rope and teticals (So now it's this list of searches that's turning up in strange searches)
monkey statue penis (today is all about random combinations of words)
colonoscopy erotic (I've had one and erotic it was not)
dog scarf (not so strange but fun to say, dog scarf, yeah, I like that, I think I'll name my first kid that, Dog Scarf Jensen)

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Clown Beer Club Sign

Behold I give you the holy grail......

I recently moved from Hollywood to downtown LA, which you may or might know is the epicenter of crap for North America. One block from my new home is the historic Toy District where from cramped booths merchants peddle everything from truck mud flaps to religious themed figurines. No lie I bought a wallet made from "genuine Indian leather"(just think about it for a second.)

There is no shortage of real gems in the Toy District however I do believe I have found the apex of awful in the Beer Club neon clown sign. What in the high holy hell kind of club would you find this sign hanging in? Clown bar? A Pub catering to alcoholic 7 year olds?

I looked at the clown longer, and when I started to feel like he was flirting with me I decided it was time to go home. I mean, if he still feels the same later, when he's sober, we can talk.

So is this beauty going to be hanging in the Jensen rumpus room?....

I would have normally, sadly thought No. With it's price tag of $190 it is a bit out of my usual range, however it does occur to me that Mr. Jensen and his lovely (and evil) girlfriend Bryna have a wedding coming up. Such an occasion does require something special. Hmmmm?