Sunday, March 25, 2007

O'Reilly, FOR KIDS?

Okay, don't think we're getting partisan on you here. True, two guys who are this good looking, this smart, this poor and who know how to use the internet don't need to tell you that they're pretty far to the left, but that's not why this book is qualifying as awful.

No, it's not that O'Reilly is such a right-wing, crack-pot nut-job, it's that anyone out there would think that A KID would want this book. I mean look at the cover for Chrissake. What on this cover says for kids, other than those exact words of course, "For Kids"? What kids rushes home from school, begs his dad to turn off the Nick-Toons so to enjoy his milk and cookies while devouring all the wit and wisdom that Ol' Uncle Billy has to offer?

I was looking for a present for my nephew Antonio, a real, actual present, but I saw this and decided Brett had to have it. I'll get it to him soon, and then I expect a full book report. The cover alone has me thrilled to no end but I'm sure the contents would cause my head to spin around and my brain to explode. If this book makes the best seller list, which it may, it will be because people are buying it to find out if it's for real.

Brett won't have to get past page one of the text to find a Truly Awful Stuff worthy quote. "Even though I am now famous and successful, I still keep my old friends. And believe me, none of them looks like Jennifer Aniston. It would not be hard being her friend."

As you can see, this is his greatest work since his 1998 erotic thriller, "Those Who Trespass."

And, because it's late, and I've had sugar AKA crank for Keith, I'll tell you a quick story involving a conservative and a kid's book. The book; The Rainbow Fish. The conservative; Mike Coppola, a former employer of mine.

The way the book is written, a rainbow fish won't share his pretty rainbow scales with other fish and so has no friends. He wants friends, he decides to share, (SPOILER ALERT) at the end of the book each fish sports one rainbow scale, all is happy. Mike, lovable ditto-head that he is, of course recognizes communist propaganda when he sees it.

And so we have, the book as Mike reads it to his little boy; Rainbow fish has beautiful scales. The other fish ask for his scales. Rainbow fish says, "No. You can get a job and buy your own scales you lazy bums." The other fish won't be his friends but he stands firm for he is a solid citizen. The other fish learn a valuable lesson and they all get jobs, work hard and buy their own rainbow scales. All is good.

Oh, and don't worry, I got my nephew a very nice Magic kit. It's how I annoyed adults at his age and I figure the tradition should continue.


jesse said...

My little brother has this book. (sigh)

KLJ said...

OH MAN! Hows he like it? I'd love to have a bit of feed back from an actual kid on this one.

E said...

Re: Rainbow fish, we have that book at home, and it always struck me as Communist and Bourgeois Consumerist at the same time. The stupid fish is happy because he has rainbow scales. Big Woop. The stupid LITTLE fish want the shiny scales. Woooooo, shiny. WHY in "Bob"s name would they give a shit about such a petty stupid thing as a rainbow colored scale? Beats me. They must be retarded. Why are we reading our kids books about retarded fish, anyway?
And then the Rainbow fish gives up all of his rainbow scales JUST SO THE OTHER FISH WILL PLAY WITH HIM??? Way to encourage future victim-hood, author. Totally pathetic. In MY version, the Rainbow Fish would cruelly taunt his so called "friends", then meet them after school, and blind them with his brilliant, sun reflecting scales, then kick the holy crap out of them for being such capitalist assholes.
You can see why I'm not writing childrens books.

KLJ said...

On the contrary, I think you SHOULD most definitely be writing kids books.

Anonymous said...

WHY in "Bob"s name would they give a shit about such a petty stupid thing as a rainbow colored scale?

uh, maybe because it's a metaphor for material goods?

I mean, if that shit went over your head maybe you need to start with the books that just have pictures.

KLJ said...

With all due respect, I think the commentor that you're ridiculing was using humor himself and that you may have failed to detect it.

There is a point that the analogy goes further. Material items being largely meaningless items that we center our life around.

It's not like they were giving us a symbol for life giving resources that one fish was hording.

I think you were a bit hasty to put the other guy down without putting much effort into looking at what he had to say. And if you DO come across someone with an exceedingly low intelligence I hope you'll choose to help them with their comprehension, rather than riduling them. That's one sign of a true intellect.