Monday, April 30, 2007

Truly Awful Cover Songs

Our pals at are adding more awful to the world with their latest article, The 100 Worst Cover Songs. I'll have to admit, I don't think the Jim Carrey cover of I Am The Walrus is half bad.

I must whole-heartedly agree with Robert and Co though on The Jessica Simpson cover of Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Were Made For Walking."
Get Walking Boots, as far away from that howling banshee as possible. Yuck.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Why Mommy is A Democrat

Click images to enlarge
O'Reilly's kids book was pretty hilarious. Of course, it's just as awful and riotously funny when the other side decides to brainwash their young uns. And with this fine example they seem to be going for the very young uns.

Why squirrels? Come on guys, your symbol is a donkey, yeah, an ass. Now you have the opportunity to pick another animal to be associated with and you blow it again. You're just inviting words like "Squirrelly" and many references to nuts.

Okay, I will give them points for making it an elephant that mommy's keeping the babies safe from.

The elephant should have a "Pave The Rain Forest" sticker on it's ass, just to drive the point all the way home.

Uh, mommy makes the kids go to school also or mommy goes also? This page is not well written, no Pulitzer.

But that's not the important part. As a kid, I always hated whoever I blamed for making me go to school. Grrrrr, I still hate those bastard. What? It was the Dems? I guess I'll be voting 3rd party this year.

Democrats share their toys? With each other maybe, and with the lobbyists who buy them the toys. I don't know about you, but I don't get invited to play with these toys too often myself.

I think this book and the O'Reilly book should be sold together as the ultimate gift pack. It could be the fruitcake of the younger set, passed from kid to kid, never being read, forever regifted.

Come on people, whatever happened to Dr. Seuss or Go Dog Go or Nixon reads Mein Kampf for Tots?

Of course the best thing about these graphics is HOW very inviting they are for photoshopping. So please, let's see what you can do eh? And hopefully soon we'll feature some skewed versions of these darling pages. If you're photoshop is chosen as the best, you'll receive:
  • Accolades! No postage required
  • Increased Self Esteem! (Dry clean only.)
  • Fame and Fortune on a verry smal scale.
Good Luck!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Wishing Well; Party Supply Store

click crappy phone-camera images to enlarge
I had to go to Wishing Well, a party supply store here in Sacramento, to pick up some ticket stock. I was glad to have a camera phone.

The first item to grab my attention was this "Realistic Skull Fogger." It's totally true to it's claim. You can see that it looks exactly like a real fog blowing skull, yes? I mean, it looks like every evil skull with a fog producing nasal condition that I've ever seen.

As I headed upstairs I heard a women direct a customer to "The pirate section" and I realized what poor career choices I've made. My work does not have a pirate section, and that's some serious suck.

I decided to check out the various sections. In addition to pirate, there's also an Indian, wait, no, it's a Native American section. The correct labeling made me think they were going to be politically sensitive here.

The magic knife, depicting one Native American with the knife through his head and another with the knife stuck in his back let me know I was hoping too much. And what the hell does this knife have to do with Native Americans anyway? Just the first thing that came to mind when they had to come up with a good potential victim for this thing? At least it's accurately labeled, "TERRIBLE" though I'd have preferred "AWFUL."

Also of interest were the quite authentic "Peace Pipes." lovingly handcrafted out of plastic by real Indians in China. You didn't know about the Chinese Indian population? Stick with me kid. I'll learn you real good.

As you can see, each pipe ends in a small Native American head, just like the real ones.

There's no opening to put the tobacco in. Is this due to fears that kids will buy this to actually use in, um, you know, achieving peace? Oh well, the plastic fumes would probably have given 'em a better high than they deserved.

The Mexican section featured this Mexican Fiesta Pepper Bead Curtain. I think I may have stumbled into the little village where these are made, just outside of Merida if I remember correctly. My favorite thing about this is that they couldn't find an actual Mexican for the photograph? Hell, they couldn't even find a real model. They got Jimmy Kimmel's cousin in his new Chino's to walk through the curtain by holding a donut and a six pack up behind the camera.

And what section is this item from? The Biker section silly. I mean just look at the picture, that's a biker, right? Right? He's got a little biker mustache. And he is lifting his eyebrows up in what is clearly a biker's come hither expression. I see guys like this hanging out at the biker bar down the street from me all the time. And they're really nice bikers too. They let their girlfriends ride their bikes while they're at the club. I think that's whats going on. I never see their girlfriends, and I never see their bikes, so it seems to reason, yes?

My next party is going to RULE! Thanks Wishing Well.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


Click images to enlarge
"Hey Bret,
Remember last summer, when you tried to score with that sixteen year old at the fair and she puked all over your lap on the ferris wheel? HA ha, this chick totally looks like her, so I had to get you this postcard. Call soon, your dad looks BAD. I think he's got the same thing you got. Love, Brian."

I don't get down to LA as often as I'd like, but that's no reason to let Bret have a break from my ruthless onslaught of awful.
Not when postcards can be bought and mailed so cheaply.

I like to think that by the end of this tirade of US Govt delivered chintz Bret was praying for a letter bomb which he'd happily sign for, even paying any postage due just to be out of his misery.

The great thing about the postcards is that Bret lives in an apartment building where his mail is on display for all to see. From his neighborhood mail carrier to his neighbors and his landlord, my messages would be shared. And luckily he has one particularly nosey and gossipy neighbor who we KNOW looks at everybody's mail.

"Hey Bret, How's it going? Does your brother know about the little incident between you and his girlfriend yet? Dude, you were drunk, it doesn't count. I mean hell, if two bottles of Jack between one dude and two cute chicks ain't a get out of jail free card WTF is, yeah? Let's just hope you didn't share you're "Surprise" with her. Speaking of which, the ointment you recommended is working fine. Thanks. Peace, Sissy Regina.

PS: Dig the lesbian bikers man. Totally thought of you and those two "girls" who kicked your ass in S.C. (LOL!)"

"Hey, it IS porn okay. Art? You got to be kidding me. I love you man, but you need help. Until then stay the hell away from me and my family. Sorry, but there's certain shit that crosses the line. Art. Shit. Give me a f'ing break.
BTW: You want to know what art is? Get rid of that shit and hang this postcard on your wall man."

You still got that ass-hat landlord?
How many times can you rip off the same stupid son of a bitch before he catches on that it's an "inny" job. Seriously buddy, you might be pushing your luck. Getting locked up in here with me would serve you right, since you never visit, jerk.
Sincerely, Frank"

To fully appreciate this last one you should know, Bret's landlord is about 6' 7" and capable of snapping Bret like a twig. Love ya Bret.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Infernal Majesty "None Shall Defy"

Satan commands you to click images to enlarge
Jessie has an awful album. I'm sure I have a worse one. We've been fighting about this for years.

Jessie's awful album is Infernal Majesty's "None Shall Defy."

If my album, a comp titled "Born to Metalize" wasn't so incredibly awful I wouldn't dare challenge Jessie.

After all, Infernal Majesty does thank Satan in their liner notes. And they do have a guy named "Psycopath" who combines a long white-guy afro with Buddy Holly glasses and Corey Feldman looks.

And they include their lyrics:
Lead us into hell
Ah ah, Ah ah, Ah ah, Ah ah
Ah ah, Ah ah, Ah ah, Ah ah
Ah ah, Ah ah, Ah ah, Ah ah
Ah ah, Ah ah, Ah ah, Ah ah"

Notice that it took TWO of them to write that. Did Psycopath come up with "Satan, Satan, Satan, Satan" and then Nemes was all, "Yeah dude, totally, and then how about 'Lead us into hell, Ah ah Ah ah Ah ah...?'"

You'll be glad to note, the songs are published through ASCAP. If you want to record a cover, or use the music at your wedding finding the rights will be downright convenient.

Check back soon for an in depth look at Born To Metalize. And then I'll see about having Jessie over and we'll actually listen to both albums. We must decide once and for all who has the more awful example of early Heavy Metal at it's delightful worst.

Friday, April 13, 2007

The Littlest Homey vs Bling Dragon

Shopping for Brett's birthday is fun.
I'd already gotten him a framed autographed picture of my colon, but Bryna and I wanted to let him know just how special he really is to us.

Macy's is right by Bryna's work and I was getting tired of the thrift store variety of awful that is our specialty. We found awful a-plenty at the old Macy's and finding it at an overpriced shop makes it even better (so long as you score it on super clearance.)

What you're looking at here is a t-shirt. The round center graphic is printed on a disc of plastic. It's holographic.

Look at it from one angle and it's a chubby cheeked little gangster guy, although he looks to me more like a gang's mascot. I think the real gangsters do whatever illicit gang type activities there doing and this fella runs back and forth between them and whatever onlooker are around, soliciting cheers and getting people to do the wave. At any rate, he appears to be cradling the city's buildings lovingly, parentally in his arms (perhaps he's a model railroad enthusiast?)

But, catch it from another angle, and VOILA, he's now holding big bundles of cash money.
I'm pretty sure real gangsters don't wear t-shirts with picture of gangsters on 'em. It's like the cheap-plastic-mask Halloween costumes we had as kids. They had to put a picture of Chewebacca on it so that it was clear you were supposed to be Chewebacca. "Look I'm a gangster, SEE, a gangster."

I don't even think the posers would be lining up to sport this monstrosity, which explains why we found it on the clearance rack. Of course even at 50% off it was STILL $14, but it IS Brett's birthday, and I do want to see him wear this, so it's on its way to LA. Happy birthday buddy.

Also at Macy's, a pair of $50 shorts, CUT OFFS! Cargo pants cut offs even. And by cut off I mean threads hanging from the sloppy cut just above the knee. But wait, it gets worse. The pants were worn looking and had spots of different colors of paint splattered randomly. For fifty bucks you can look like a serious urban artist taking a brief break from his studio.

And then there's this:
Yes, it really is an Asian style dragon made out of bling. There's dookie gold chains, jeweled watches, gold ecko dog tags and bad ass dragon-fu coming at you. WATCH OUT!

After we left the mall I saw several people wearing Ecko. They were wearing red t-shirts, hoodies, etc. Who the hell's wearing this stuff? Other than Brett I mean.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Framed Autographed Colonoscopy Photo

Click to enlarge image at your own risk.
To be honest with you I'm unclear as to whether the message “Wish you where here” is an invitation carrying homo-erotic overtones or if it alludes to our dear Keith Lowell Jensen’s desire to consume me.
As he signs off on his emails “writer comedian, zombie” I’m going to have to go with the later.

Regardless of intent there is one thing that is abundantly clear; Keith’s colon is not a place I would chose to hold a bar mitzvah. The troubling thing about this gift is finding the right place in your home to hang such a thing.

Oh sure you can take the easy way out and put it in the bathroom but to me that seems so negative, focusing only on the waste portion of the digestive system. A walk in closet, the hall, the bedroom; none of these places seemed to capture the spirit of this little beauty.
I wanted to focus on the positive aspects of the colon, to really embrace the concept that all life is made possible by this amazing organ. So as I prepared vegan sushi last night for my lovely girlfriend I did it staring squarely into the bowels of Keith.

I’m sure as you read this you are wondering "How can I get one of these for my kitchen?" Well my dear friends you are in luck. All you need to do is send us a picture of your awful stuff and cross your fingers. Our "Awful of the Month" winner will receive their very own autographed picture of Keith’s guts.

(To send us your awful, you can email us at or post to the comments section at Good luck)

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Love From The Sacramento Bee

Can't. Look. Away.

If you haven't already been e-mailed the link to this site like, a million times, it's high time you checked out Truly Awful Stuff.

The blog is the brainchild of local comedian and writer Keith Lowell Jensen and his Hollywood pal Brett Wilson. And, well, the name kind of says it all.

Simply put, this is a place "dedicated to the truly awful things we've given each other over the years."

Intrigued? Sorry, but of the many items of questionable taste on display here, the only example my editor will probably let me tell you about is the "Easter Bunny's Headstone" lawn ornament.

Nice! Makes a person long for the understated kitsch of a hot-pink plastic flamingo.

That said, Truly Awful Stuff is like an Internet trainwreck -- you kind of feel bad reading about (and looking at photos of) some of these items, but once you click there, it's really, really hard to click away.

And apparently I'm not the only one who feels this way, because after the Metafilter link portal spotlighted the site last week, Truly Awful Stuff has logged thousands of hits.

Which is, truly cool.

Rachel Leibrock, Sac Bee staff writer wrote this on the Bee's entertainment blog.

Friday, April 6, 2007

The Easter Bunny's Headstone

Easter Bunny, RIP.

What genius came up with this "Lawn ornament?" It's straight out of that legendary, lost holiday special Tim Burton's "Nightmare Before Easter." It is unmistakably, undeniably the Easter Bunny's Headstone. And I can't imagine they were thinking anything else when they chose to make it all one color like this, never mind the morose look on the grieving little bunny's face. What is even the slightest bit festive about this thing?

We're doing our best to keep this blog accessible to everyone, despite the fact that we're such unsavory types ourselves. With that effort in mind we'll let you decide if you want to see a rather graphic depiction of how the Easter Bunny met his demise. Click Here if you want to see it, but remember we warned you.

And for you of more delicate tastes, a dumb joke, a REALLY dumb joke:

A man was driving down the road when out of nowhere hops a huge bunny. WHAM! He hits the rabbit. Jumping out his car he realizes to his horror that he's killed the Easter Bunny. There are chocolate eggs, and plastic grass and Peeps(c) everywhere. "OH MY GOD!" he screams.

A passing jogger stops and calms him. She pulls a small bottle out of her purse and begins pouring it's contents on the dead rabbit who springs back to life, gathers up his spilled goodies and hops away. After just a few hops he turns and waves. A few more hops and he waves again. He continues this hopping, waving, hopping, waving as he disappears over the horizon.

The relieved motorist looks around and finds the jogger has left but there on the ground is her bottle; "Shampoo; Brings dead hair back to life and adds permanent wave."

I told you it was dumb. What? You thought I was kidding?

Tampon Easter Bunny

We do like to get into the holiday spirit here at and what holiday is more ripe for our purposes than Easter; a Pagan holiday co-opted by Christians that they might celebrate the resurection of their savior with chocolate eggs laid by a bunny?!?

And what better way to celebrate an already tremendously odd holiday than with an Easter Bunny made of tampons and tampon applicators?

Visit for full easy to follow instructions, with pictures. While you're there check out the other great things you can make with fresh unused tampons. The last part of that sentence is real important okay?

Watch for more Easter Goodness over the next two days.
And for more on the absurdity of Easter check out this great Eddie Izzard clip at

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Crayon Shin Chan clock with flashing penis alarm

With our daily visits topping out above 4,000 we're getting lots of attention and lots of contributions. Please keep sending in your awful. It helps us to be lazy.

Today's awful was sent by David at Creative Creativity. David Writes:

"In Japan there is a popular Bart Simpson-esque character called Crayon Shin Chan. His cartoons are popular and very off color. I once asked a Japanese exchange student about him and she blushed and told me never to mention him again.

Imagine my surprise when I opened a box of alarm clock samples at work and found an alarm clock of Crayon. He looks just like a lot of anime characters, except he has his pants down around his ankles and as the alarm goes off, his tiny penis flashes. It's like he has a built in pedophile alarm."

The wikipedia page for Crayon Shin Chan has a bunch of great links. I love this descripton of Shin Chan:

"He just tries to have a good time and in doing so does things which will create the maximum vexation in others."

Share your awful stuff with us by posting it to our myspace comments section or e-mail a link (no attachments) to

Have a Happy Period

DeAnn, whose collection the Molotov Cocktail came from, sent us this. Personally, I'm stoked to finally know some French I can use! DeAnn writes:

The peel-off strip for Always Ultra pad "wings" adhesive strip advising it's users to "Have a Happy Period".
The phrasing of it kind of reminds me of when someone you don't know passes you on the street and tells you to "smile".
And I wonder what phrases didn't make the cut at the product packaging conference meeting...

"Please do enjoy your menstrual cycle".

"Thanks for flying with Always with Wings!"

Looks like others have their own thing to say about this:

From someone on Craigslist PA (it made the "Best of" section).
"You can even send an e-card from the Always website to your menstruating friends to cheer them up (or something)! So not only do they get your name and email address, but your friends and approximate date of period also. I wonder who actually uses this, it's not like we generally have OTR radar or anything and I don't go around asking who's got the bleeding going on."

Have a Happy Period E-Card
. There are four different ones you can select from.

I wish I was making this stuff up, but this is sadly real (and awful) marketing.

Share your awful stuff with us by posting it to our myspace comments section or e-mail a link (no attachments) to

Monday, April 2, 2007

"Kiss My Black Ass" Cat Shirt

There are a few things in childhood that could be counted on. Older brother will give you wedgies, someone will beat you to the prize in the cereal box and Santa will attempt to ruin that holy day of Christmas by totally ignoring your request for a GI Joe Night Attack Stinger assault vehicle even though it is clear as the nose on your face that Duke has no way to engage the Cobra Command and that the very fate of the free world is a stake. Instead of much need munitions what’s that fat man bring ya? Yes you guessed it clothes.

All of my children have four legs and I have no intention of producing any of the two legged variety. However I go to great lengths to leave my four legged kids with the same deep psychological scars that I enjoyed as a child.

A little black kitten named Killwhitey is the most recent addition to my dysfunctional little hovel and like all new comers bears an unfair brunt of the abuse. Keith smelling blood in the water drew inspiration form that jolly drunken yuletide master of breaking and entering and gifted my darling little girl a shirt. Putting clothes on animals is bad, period, but this takes the disgrace to new levels. Kiss My Black Ass? This is low, even for Keith. And you can see in the picture just how happy she is to be wearing it. Another innocent bystander is caught in the cross fire.

Careful where you leave your shoes next time you visit Kieth.

Awful Books has a great collection of awful (and delightful) books up right now. With titles like "Satan Was a Lesbian", "Homo Sweet Homo", "Babes and Sucklings" and "The Abortive Hussy" you really can't go wrong.

CLICK HERE to check out this hilarious gallery. Some of the stuff might not be safe for work, depending on where you work. If you work anywhere on "Queer Street" you should be okay.

I'll be adding this to our links page where several other RetroCrush collections of awful reside already.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Hitler Pezz Dispenser

Brett is now in first place. He already gave me the anatomically correct pegacorns, but now, with this one, well, It'll be quite some time before I find anything nearly as awful.

World War II brought us so much great awful, but not much beats Hitler themed toys, cartoons, and candy dispensers!!!
Yes, candy dispensers.

Hitler you see, made us think less of millions of slaughtered Jews and more of a Darth Vader type, universally recognized bad guy. The dude we loved to hate. Daffy Duck hated him, and if you did too, why not snap his head back and get a sweet treat as a reward.

Pezz does not feature this in their catalogue and will deny it's existence, just as they deny the even more offensive Nicole Simpson dispenser (works best with Red pezz.)

April 2nd Update: I will reluctantly invite you all to examine the date of this post. :)
And then click here for some source information.